Tits

Ok. This is a no-brainer. Obviously tits are a major influence on every aspect of a d-bag’s life: from cradle to grave, a d-bag is either nursing on one or trying to. Scientists have developed many ways of enjoying tits. For example, they will tell you that Intermammary sulcus or intermammary cleft are the terms adopted by the International Federation of Associations of Anatomists for the area of cleavage between the breasts not including the breasts; or they might say in their brainy-but-maybe-awesome way that The term breast refers to the upper ventral region of an animal’s torso, particularly that of mammals, including human beings. The breasts of a female primate’s [i.e. d-bag's] body contain the mammary glands, which secrete milk used to feed infants.

Whoa!!! SAS dude!!! Tits rule. They rule so much we call anything good “tits”, as in, “that show was tits”; “my cousin’s Dodge Nitro is tits”; “look at the tits on that bitch.” It’s a catch-all compliment.

Tits are like cars — the bigger the better.

It doesn’t matter how big or nauseatingly distended they are; it doesn’t matter if they cripple for life the woman forced to haul them around on her chest; it doesn’t matter if the only pair you’ve actually handled is either your mother’s or your own: tits define a d-bag. How close have you been to tits? Does your girl have tits? More to the point, has she ever had a tit job? Or is she a Big Naturals girl? (Note: If she doesn’t have tits, and you wear chunky black glasses, natural fabrics, and read the Times Literary Supplement, you may be a completely different species of d-bag.) Though an accomplished d-bag will have seen two girls making out at a dance club, or some choice ta-ta’s at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, most d-bags are able to play with their own tits! This is advantageous for several reasons. First, not having to impress a lady d-bag leaves more time for fantasy football. Second, all you need to grow a pair is a steady diet of “ethnic” food (Taco Bell) or habitual trips to the Wal*Mart McDonalds. Third, with the right sports jersey and a sports bra the plushy, fun tits you squeeze at night can be disguised as manly, hard “pecs” while you are at work.