Nextel phones

As any d-bag knows, the bigger — and louder! — the better.

D-bags are no strangers to new technologies — in fact d-bags love new technology! It allows the d-bag to use fresh acronyms, proclaim himself to be a “gear-head,” and demonstrate masculine proficiency with tools (Tim Allen). However, whereas most of the civilized world develops new technologies that are smaller and more discrete (Japan, China, Europe), a d-bag prefers technology Bigger and Louder — especially if it also happens to be older and less efficient. Really, what is the point of having a cool gadget if you can’t use it to force people to acknowledge your onerous existence?

Nextel has become the brand of choice among d-bags.* Most of their models appear in the classic “mini brick” style (not just a clever name), or the slightly more modern “flip fone” configuration. Both styles are easy to use and the one-touch, coast-to-coast walkie-talkie feature guarantees that heads will turn every time you scream with all your might at a person not present the instructions for feeding the cat. The Nextel phone’s simplicity says, “I can use a cell phone too!”

The real appeal, though, is the famous chirp. Bleeedeeepppp! Bleeedeeepppp!

Because Nextel phones are able to operate as walkie-talkies, a d-bag can indulge sentimental memories of his juvenile d-bag days playing State Trooper; because d-bags are all about the shortcut, this nostalgia-laden device allows them to communicate with one another without actually having to hold the phone up to their ear; and because the speaker is as loud as the chirp, the crackly voice on the other end screaming something about the cat shitting crackerjacks makes a definitive statement.

It is common to CHIRP one another using “tough talk.” One may hear things like, “Yo, I got the shit — where you at?”, “Donchu be playin’ me M— F—!”, and “Yo, I forgot the goddam cat food. Shit!”

Everything about the Nextel phone is about display. Its size and shape, it’s recognizability, its walkie-talkie functionality, its distinctive chirp hearken back to the 1970s — the d-bag Golden Age — when gas was fifty cents a gallon, when eight track tape players and styrofoam trucker hats were not ironic (damn you liberal, urban hipsters!), and when our most important d-bags were honing the skills required for their take-over of American culture. Nextel IS a white d-bag: Simple Yet Bold.

*Nextel is followed closely by Verizon. Verizon’s popularity hangs on its outdated phones (thus offering consumers a more “established” product), as well as their popular advertising campaign, featuring the nerve grating catchphrase: “Can You Hear Me Now? Good.”