White d-bags love bros because bros are white d-bags in training. What is a bro? A bro is an eighteen to twenty-four year old male who wears Birkinstock sandals, watches Family Guy, and wears an upside down visor or baseball cap with a pre-frayed brim. Bros used to wear Abercombie and Fitch; now bros wear Hollister. Bros used to listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish and Wide Spread Panic; now bros like to listen to Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews and Incubus. The bro is the chrysalis of a d-bag butterfly. Bros used to want to go to business school to get into management; now bros want to go to business school to get into finance.
Since the youth revolution of the 1970s, bros have become the laboratory for d-bag culture. Initially bros were incorrectly categorized as latter day “greasers” or “drapes” who were themselves thought to be counter-cultural elements inimical to the “straights” or “squares” who were the establishment d-bags of an earlier generation. As recent history has shown, however, a new generation of d-bags may be formed from “right thinking” elements of the jam band fan base. Just because you like to drink Natty Ice and “chill” does not mean that you might not at some future date write a book that argues your personal enemies should be publicly tortured.
Bros wear Axe body spray and are fond of the saying “bros before hoes.” This is because bros, like their mature d-bag cousins, are extremely homosocial. Being a bro is no fun if there are no bros to bro with you. And nothing is as upsetting to a bro as a bro who has “pussied out” and crawled into his girlfriend’s punani. This is why bros will go to extreme lengths to reassure each other of their undying love, even to the exasperation of their steady-girl-lays (see the illustration above). This part of a d-bag’s training is crucial. In order to say “I deserve it” with complete authority, a bro must learn early how to rise above the most powerful motivator in his life: tits. If a bro can successfully do this, he will undoubtedly not end up pussy-whipped, and he will become a fully fledged d-bag.
God, this is beautiful.
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