Pinwheel chest thumps

D-bag archeologists from the thirty-first century will come across the picture above and conclude with a high degree of certainty that ancient d-bags inducted their warrior class into full rights of manhood with a pinwheel chest thump. Once the ceremony was completed and the newly minted man-d-bag was invested with the magical powers and prerogatives [...]

Read Full Post »

Haters

Faithful d-bags and readers of this blog turn to Chunque to quiet their worried minds when it comes to disputed matters of d-bag doctrine. Worry not, gentle d-bag. Chunque is here once again to set the world straight.
It used to be easy for a d-bag to recognize the haters. As d-bag philosopher Mike Allen said [...]

Read Full Post »

Facial hair

For most of the twentieth century d-bags disdained facial hair. But this was not always the case! And it seems that some forms of facial hair, worn by the right sort of d-bag, have once again become a badge of honor among d-bags.

After World War I and the fall of the European monarchies “old skool” [...]

Read Full Post »

Mea culpas (from Swaggart to McClellan)

Though a d-bag is firmly convinced that he deserves whatever special treatment sets him apart from others, sometimes the gross inequity and crass overreaching of a d-bag’s desires gets him into trouble. The first move a d-bag will make to wiggle out of his predicament is to project chutzpah. “It wasn’t me.” “What are you? [...]

Read Full Post »

Iran

This one actually takes a minute of brain power, ’cause it’s a little counter-intuitive. Why would a d-bag like — even love — Iran? There are so many things to dislike about the place. It’s full of Muslims. It is a spoke on the Axis of Evil. It embarrassed the Carter administration and helped get [...]

Read Full Post »

D-bags in the news: Selling more kinky sex on Fox

The salacious-story-of-the-day award goes to Fox News for their important work revealing the sexual perversions of the French under German occupation in World War II!
“Book: Paris Under Nazis Was One Big Sex Romp“
“A new book which suggests that the German occupation of France encouraged the sexual liberation of women has shocked a country still struggling [...]

Read Full Post »

Thinly veiled threats of violence

To be successful a d-bag needs to demonstrate power without having to continually prove it. Sometimes this means establishing a reputation for violence and unpredictability and occasionally finding some pussy-ass sucker at an appropriate moment to show your pals you’re not losing it.
This is the type of d-bag played by Joe Pesci in most [...]

Read Full Post »

Birddoggin’

Not to be confused with bird hunting, birddoggin’ is a d-bag sport that requires no equipment and very little preparation. The only thing a d-bag needs is a friend with a girlfriend!
Like most other sporting activities, birddoggin’ is not so much about the birds as the bros. Birddoggin’ is a way to score points with [...]

Read Full Post »

Novelty

It’s mouthwatering to imagine — a tasty, hot and juicy Oscar Mayer hot dog wrapped inside a soft and warm bakery-fresh bun. And now imagine only having to wait thirty-five seconds for that first delicious bite! Each individually wrapped Oscar Mayer Fast Frank tastes great thanks to a specially designed microwavable [...]

Read Full Post »

D-bags in the news: Sam Graves

Rep. Sam Graves, R-Mo., who’s fighting for his seat against Democratic challenger Kay Barnes, the former mayor of Kansas City, released this doozy of campaign ad d-baggery.
The ad hits most of the classic tropes of d-bag mythology: women, homosexuals, city dwellers and liberals dance and sip champagne while planning abortions on Christians and begging illegal [...]

Read Full Post »

Short posts

White d-bags like blogs. White d-bags like posts. But not too long posts. No like. Too puzzle making!

Now my head hurts! Why do you make me confused with your words and images?! A no-brainer. I specifically asked for a NO-BRAINER!!!

Is that blog coming on to me? Is that why it is so long and hard [...]

Read Full Post »

Being right — despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary

Being right is being a d-bag, and being a d-bag is always being right despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The quintessence of d-baggery is the ability to assert a bald-faced lie that is obviously a lie to everyone who hears it, and daring the pussies in the room to contradict you.
The man pictured above [...]

Read Full Post »

Conspicuous waste

Are you having a d-bag over to your house for a dinner party? If you are beware — d-bags hate conspicuous displays of cultural capital almost as much as they hate Islamofascism and pedophilia. Do not try to impress a d-bag with hip, current music — leave your Third Eye Blind CDs out; do not [...]

Read Full Post »

Kinky sex

As I have made clear in earlier posts (Thongs, Las Vegas, Tits, Negs, The Stalag, Britney, Josef Fritzl, Hot Cars, GGW, Juntas) d-bags loooooove kinky sex. To enjoy sex in itself is not unusual, as most of God’s creatures find pleasure in copulation. As the old song goes, “birds do it, bees do it, even [...]

Read Full Post »

D-bags in the news: Mike Huckabee

(CNN) – During a speech before the National Rifle Association convention Friday afternoon in Louisville, Kentucky, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee — who has endorsed presumptive GOP nominee John McCain — joked that an unexpected offstage noise was Democrat Barack Obama looking to avoid a gunman.
“That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a [...]

Read Full Post »

Rants

Lots of people like to hear the sound of their own voice — policemen, professors, politicians, your mom, the punditocracy, that guy from accounts, your wife, the boss — but how many of them are really d-bags? Your boss, def; ditto the cop who asks infuriating rhetorical questions (“Do you know how fast you were [...]

Read Full Post »

Dictionary of National D-bags: Denis Leary

It’s Thursday, and that means another addition to our Dictionary of National D-bags. Today’s honored d-bag is comedian, cop, fireman and all around hero Denis Leary.
Leary became famous in the early 90s for his “rants” and for popularizing the d-bag ethos with his his sardonic song about the American lower-middle-class male, “Asshole“.
Though in private Leary [...]

Read Full Post »

Classic rock

It’s time to get the Led out!!!
Never let it be said that white d-bags despise all manifestations of culture. We like corporate culture. We like juntas. And we love the classics.
Jeff Beck, Kiss, Pink Floyd, The Doors, Hendrix, Judas Priest, The Who, Kansas, Molly Hatchet, Deep Purple, Clapton, The Allman Bros., Aerosmith, The Eagles, Boston, [...]

Read Full Post »

D-bags in the news: Mike Norman

It’s a presidential election year, and to d-bags that means party time!!! Our featured d-bag for today is Mike Norman, a sixty-three-year-old d-bag from Marietta, Georgia — a little town just outside of Atlanta.
As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, “The T-shirts are being peddled by … Norman at his Mulligan’s Bar and Grill in Cobb County. [...]

Read Full Post »

D-bags in the news: West Virginia

Off-white d-bags prefer Florida and Southern California; for true-blue d-bags, it’s West Virginia.
(I’m not kidding about the “blue” part neither.)
From the news wires: “Clinton’s largest margins, as expected, were registered among voters at the lower end of the socioeconomic ladder. Among white voters without a college degree, Clinton defeated Obama by 50 points. Among white [...]

Read Full Post »