Juntas

When in the company of d-bags, be sure to have your national flag prominently displayed on a lapel or blouse.

D-bags are rugged individualists, and they like to bond with other rugged individualists, forming groups defined by a uniform, preferably with sparklies on it, something made of gold or brass.

Ritualized displays of masculinity are a central feature of d-bag culture. Though the outward forms of these rituals are different, d-bags all over the world follow the same basic outline to prove their masculinity.

First, d-bags congregate where they know there will be other d-bags. This is the first phase of a complicated screening process. A d-bag must feel confident that his brother d-bag would take a bullet for him if necessary, or a good slap on the ass. All “non-hackers” — those who cannot divorce themselves from feelings of sympathy for the enemy or the desire to make up their own mind what is in their best interests — must be weeded out before a d-bag is selected for membership.

This practice, known in North America a “hazing” takes place traditionally at University where young, white, male d-bags receive the cultural indoctrination necessary to make them captains of industry, corrections officers, leaders in global finance, Bruce Willis, directors of marketing, and successful bloggers. It must be recognized, however, that d-baggery is not exclusively the province of whites or men. Off-white d-bags also participate in ritualized affirmations of masculinity, notably Wahabist Muslims, Texas Mormons, and other devotes of the one, true God.

After the d-bag’s social group has been fixed, the strength of the group (”junta” in Latin) must be tested. This is accomplished when one group of d-bags searches out another group to engage in a contest. The ancient Greeks called it agon; contemporary d-bags call it “politics”. Though more glory is to be won by besting a strong, proud adversary, in a pinch a weak, helpless adversary will do. Truth be told, a d-bag never engages in what an outsider might call a “fair” political contest. The point of politics is not to hazard one’s status as an alpha d-bag to prove your worth; the point of politics is maintain and reinforce your power, however ill-suited you are to lead. That is why d-bags must carefully chose their battles. One loss will prove that the entire scaffold of strong masculinity that the d-bag has cultivated and projected onto the world is just a facade for insecure cowardice that hides behind bluster. If a d-bag does pick a fight that he eventually will lose, his only options are either disgrace, prison, or a job as a talking head on Fox News.