Birddoggin’

Not to be confused with bird hunting, birddoggin’ is a d-bag sport that requires no equipment and very little preparation. The only thing a d-bag needs is a friend with a girlfriend!

Like most other sporting activities, birddoggin’ is not so much about the birds as the bros. Birddoggin’ is a way to score points with your pals by asserting your dominance over some other pussy in the room who so does not deserve a girlfriend that hot. Once this objective has been reached it is perfectly acceptable to discard the slut — or as she is also known among d-bags the “wedge” or the “pivot”. In fact, according to many d-bags this is the best policy because you definitely do not want to date a girl who would cheat on her boyfriend.

If you’re new to birddoggin’ (or d-bagging!) here are a few simple rules to help you birddog successfully:

• Always remember — you deserve it. The reason she’s with that tool in the first place is because she doesn’t seem to recognize this fact. Think about all the stuff you’ve had to put up with in life — the heartaches and headaches, being looked down on by total pussies with graduate degrees or people with correct spelling and grammar, hours and hours of GTA IV — that has made you strong. Concentrate on your superiority. 
• Show her. The direct approach is never wrong. Show her how you would take care of her (intimate this means hours and hours of cunnilingus). Show her pictures of your pimped out ride. Show her your penis. (Avoid this step if you are having an outbreak.)
• Get your friends to be wingmen, even if that means you have to pick a fight in a crowded bar in hopes of separating the tool from his girl. Show off your manhood. No woman can resist a real man.
• If the tool happens to be one of your current friends, start a whisper campaign among the guys to the effect that his girl is a slut. Tell them she made it totally clear that she wanted to have a gang bang. If your friend is also an aspiring d-bag he might cave into the pressure to set up the appropriate situation.

Most importantly, play on her insecurities. Pretend that you never noticed how beautiful she was before she started dating the tool, but now you see what a mistake you made in not acting sooner. Tell her that you have given up your womanizing ways, and from now on the unholy sex machine in your pants is for her and her alone. Tell her that your outside d-baggery is just a cover for a sensitive little boy. Tell her that little boy is ready to be a man if the right woman would only love him. If you can manage it, cry.

After she’s done something shameful she’ll regret for the rest of her life, call up your bros, invite them over to look at the pix you took, open a cold one and write her an email (better yet, an IM) saying you totally lost respect for her when she cheated on her boyfriend. If you do this correctly you may even get to put her in your rotation as a steady lay.