Iran

This one actually takes a minute of brain power, ’cause it’s a little counter-intuitive. Why would a d-bag like — even love — Iran? There are so many things to dislike about the place. It’s full of Muslims. It is a spoke on the Axis of Evil. It embarrassed the Carter administration and helped get Reagan elected president. Ok, that’s not so bad. In fact, this line of thinking is why d-bags, in their secret heart of hearts love Iran. Without Iran there would be no excuse for a d-bag to interrupt polite dinner conversation so he can scream, red-faced, about liberal appeasers, Hitler, and the essentially Satanic nature of government services like socialized medicine, effective disaster relief, and paved roads. Iran is hard proof that Evil (notice the capital “e”) exists and that it will use our weakness and lack of respect for authority to contaminate us and taint our purity. It is the Beast of Revelations that calls us forth to battle gloriously for the one, true God.

I bet you’re like, Chunque, that rhetoric is soooooo first Bush II term. No one says that kind of thing in public anymore. Maybe not. But just because saber rattling has gone out of style doesn’t mean Iran as a justification for d-bag politics has gone away! Check out these articles from Fox News, Reuters, and even the New York Times. That’s the “mainstream” media (the same d-bags who sold us Saddam’s WMDs). This article by d-bag philosopher Peter Wehner in the latest issue of Commentarymagazine.com tells us as clearly as possible that “if Iran succeeds in its efforts to gain nuclear weapons, it could bring forth ruin on an unimaginable scale.” Mr. Wehner, in a heartfelt attempt to resist exaggeration and false analogy tell us “The Hitler analogy is overused these days. But from time to time it can be instructive.” Indeed. It is also instructive when talking about Saddam Hussein, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong Il, and even Barack Obama (playing the role of Neville Chamberlain). You say, even Pat Buchanan says the Hitler gambit is played out and misleading. Maybe so, but that didn’t stop the POTUS from using it last month to slam the opposition.

Part of what makes a d-bag is their sense of self-worth and importance, which is completely out of proportion to reality. This is why d-bags are so fond of eschatology, or the science of apocalypse, a. k. a. the End Times or Last Days. (Seriously, check that link out!) If you live at the End of History you must be living in the most exciting — and important — time there can be! You might even be the one who rises from obscurity to save the unbelieving world from total annihilation — or better yet, perhaps you will lead the saints to the New Jerusalem! And the road to Jerusalem leads right through downtown Tehran. That many d-bags urge action against Iran because of Ahmadinejad’s apocalyptic beliefs is almost too ironic. You can’t make this stuff up! For Wehner to say “Ahmadinejad’s policies are driven by his religious worldview” with a straight face is more laughs than an episode of “My Name Is Earl”! Fortunately for the evangelical sort of d-bag (Jewish, Christian and Muslim) history isn’t ending any time soon, but there will still be lots of Anti-Christs around to provide a justification for d-baggery. As the A-number-1 d-bag of the twentieth century said in his seminal primer of contemporary d-baggery:

“My feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice… And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people.” — A. Hitler.

P.S. For fun substitute “Muslim” for “Jew” in the passage above and see how familiar it feels!