Haters

Faithful d-bags and readers of this blog turn to Chunque to quiet their worried minds when it comes to disputed matters of d-bag doctrine. Worry not, gentle d-bag. Chunque is here once again to set the world straight.

It used to be easy for a d-bag to recognize the haters. As d-bag philosopher Mike Allen said of newly excommunicated, former d-bag Scott McClellan, “indeed, Scott does adopt the vocabulary, rhetoric of the left wing haters. Can you believe it in here [when] he says the White House press corps was too deferential to the administration?”

Haters were left-wing downers, do-gooders, and snivelling snits who weren’t down with the Morning in America, “I deserve it” program. Or, as another up-and-coming d-bag philosopher puts it, haters are “white people [who] strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.” They are the thinkers, the readers, (i.e. the pussies) who spend their entire pent-up, frustrated, fruitless lives thinking and reading and waiting for an opportunity to make a d-bag feel small and insignificant — though this will never happen! D-bags know that brains don’t mean shit as long as you have a hefty pair of stones. And so the haters go on hating, wallowing in their impotence, while d-bags continue to rule the world.

But recently it has become unclear if haters are still the ones on the wrong side of reality. David Brooks, a modest d-bag philosopher for the White People Times told George Packer in The New Yorker (a shamefully white publication) that “most conservatives [i.e. d-bags] seem incapable of even acknowledging the central issues of our moment: wage stagnation, inequality, health care, global warming. They are stuck in the past, in the dogma of limited government.” [PROFANITY ALERT!: sensitive d-bags avert your eyes and read not until the beginning of the next paragraph!] Said Brooks, “You go to Capitol Hill — Republican senators know they’re fucked. They have that sense. But they don’t know what to do. There’s a hunger for new policy ideas.”

Used to be a day in this country when a left wing hater who offered to critique the “policy ideas” of a d-bag could be threatened with charges of treason and, with thinly veiled threats of violence, reminded that there is no escape from Gitmo. But all of a sudden it seems that the haters are the ones who make up for their non-existant chin by either A) wearing facial hair, or B) writing a book that in its viciousness borders on psycho- and socio-pathology.

  

 Could it be that hating liberals is also a form of “hating”? This concept is difficult for a d-bag to grasp, because d-baggery is founded on the understanding that you are better than others because you are strong where they are weak. Indeed, the very intensity of his hatefulness is what proves to a d-bag his superiority. Only a non-d-bag could ever think that a d-bag’s rage was a symptom of fear and insecurity rather than strong, unapologetic masculinity. So, dear reader, worry not. Let your loving Chunque reassure you. Your d-baggery does not make you a hater. No. The haters are the poor fools who don’t understand that joyful hating is not hate.