Young d-bags

D-bags know the children are our future — teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the d-bag they possess inside.

This isn’t a movement! Movements are dominated by charismatic leaders, and when those leaders pass away the “movement” shrivels up and dies. Movements are spearheaded by revolutionaries and reactionaries, mentally unhinged fanatics who are more dedicated to their pathological hatreds than to building a sustainable future for all.

This isn’t a movement. This is reality. This is the return of common sense and traditional values. But to make sure this Morning in America doesn’t fade into evening (and nap time) along with the demographic of Fox News enthusiasts, d-bags across the nation are grooming their youth to carry the torch.

Some of our greatest d-bags have been active in d-bag youth and college groups: Karl Rove, Lee Atwater, and Jack Abramoff are just three of the most famous names that come to mind. But Let us not forget that this old guard that is either in prison or, a close second, on Fox News must eventually make way for a new generation of d-bags to take their place.

Happily, former youth organizer and self-righteous crack-head / teen mother Morgan Wilkins (now 20 years-old) is standing tall and ready to step into their shoes.

Wilkins made a name for herself in 2006 as an operative for the College Republicans in Michigan when she suggested awareness raising events like “Fun with Guns” — shooting cardboard cutouts of well-known Democrats — “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Day,” and making out with anyone who would join the College Republicans.

Meanwhile, her grandparents were taking care of her three-year-old son.

Wilkins was raised a conservative Christian until her parents divorced in her early teen years. To console herself she turned to cocaine and sex, but as Ms. Wilkins is the first to remind you, throughout her addiction, she clung to the Christian conservatism she was raised with. As she says in her own defense, “I’m not just saying this stuff because it was piped into me from my parents.”

Ms. Wilkins understood, even when she was using drugs and promising sexual favors to recruit young men to d-bag activism that drug use and premarital sexual activity must be punished severely by society.

But Ms. Morgan, like other cute, blonde d-bags, did not fear imprisonment because she knew prison was meant for liberals and negroes. Instead, she followed her role model Paris Hilton and was “treated” at a succession of rehab clinics. Getting high was, in some ways, however, the least of her problems. ”Most druggie people are liberals, so I’d always be stuck in a room with a bunch of liberals,” she said. “No matter what state I was in in my life, I knew the conservative policies were the correct ones.”

Ms. Wilkins grasped early on that being a d-bag means fighting a never ending war against pussies, liberals, and Iran lovers. “The U of M College Republicans are a bunch of appeasers,” she said. “They have this naive outlook on the world that we can work together with the Democrats and la la la things will happen. But working together with the Democrats doesn’t mean hiding in some closet and not offending anybody. That’s not what we do.” To back down or “settle” out of fear of social ostracization, imprisonment or death would be an admission of weakness, and that is an admission a d-bag is constitutionally unable to make.

After being ostracized by the national College Republicans, Ms. Wilkins joined the Army and is considering Catholicism. From poor, drug-addled and insane to infamous, goose-stepping and insane, Morgan Wilkins is leading d-bags into the 21st century. Her story is a ray of hope. She is living proof that organizations like the College D-bags of America and the John Birch Society are carrying the torch of anti-democratic, absolutist, American totalitarianism into the 21st century. With any luck once Ms. Wilkins is discharged from her military service she will again enter politics, maybe this time as a candidate! Whatever happens, we hope she will never learn that fanaticism is methadone for coke-heads.

We, as d-bags, must be vigilant to protect the minds of our young, so that the fierce d-baggery of their youth does not mellow with age and experience into wisdom and good judgment.