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Archive for April, 2008

Maybe it’s time to pull an Obambi and address the race issue….

You don’t have to be white to be a d-bag — but it helps! If you are like me — a d-bag — you are a member of an ancient fraternity. (Sig Ep, represent!) D-bags exist in all countries, speak all languages, are in every profession, and every station of life. Also, believe it or not, d-bags can be either men or women! The basic principles of d-baggery are these:

1) Having brains don’t count for sh*t. A nice tan, wind swept hair, and a prodigious set of stones will get you farther in life.

2) Paying attention is for pussies.

3) It is better to be hated and feared than loved.

4) I deserve it.

This last one is most important, ’cause this is the one that opens up d-baggery to those of non-European descent. Though in America d-bags have traditionally been white, d-baggery is enthusiastically open to all races, creeds and colors. Except Blacks. And Muslims. The former are traditionally barred from d-baggery originally because it was too threatening, and now because they are too authentic. (See illustration to the right.) The latter are too threatening. Some groups that the American Coalition of D-bags has been actively trying to recruit are Hispanics, Asians, and Indians (the ones from India; the others are both too threatening and too authentic). An important caveat: East Asian and South Asian men — better yet, first or second generation Americans of Asian descent — are preferable to Hispanic men because they don’t have as much of an accent or an attitude. And they don’t go around waving Mexican flags in the air on the 5th of May.

Though I will go into further depth on this issue in a later post, let me assure the reader that you too can be a d-bag as long as you follow the simple rules set out above.

So to you, white d-bag of whatever skin tone, we say welcome!

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Serious d-bag

By any definition of the term, Josef Fritzl is a d-bag. He has taken the mantra “I deserve it” to its most logical — and absurd — extreme.

See also:

Britney

Stalag

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Today is Kidz Korner on Stuff White D-bags Like!

SAS. This is the only way to vocalize the awesomeness of this game. S. A. S. Any other way of talking about the totally SICK AS SHIT awesomeness of this shiznit would profane it’s utter kick-ass-ed-ness. Of course, some white people would like to ruin the fun by making it all about a deep, culturally enriching experience. Just listen to this crap! GTA IV is an “exhilarating, lusciously dystopian rendition of New York City,” and “violent, intelligent, profane, endearing, obnoxious, sly, richly textured and thoroughly compelling work of cultural satire disguised as fun.” WTF? If I wanted my satire disguised as fun, I would check out some old Adam Sandler movies.

SWDBL would like to point out briefly that some of GTA IV’s SAS-ness comes from its ability to unite the community. D-bags from every demographic (mostly white and male between 14 and 40) will agree that GTA IV is possibly the closest thing to reality that yet exists on Earth. If being able to drive around the ghettos of New York City in an SUV, chillin’ wit cha homies, and gankin’ white, pussy-ass pillow biters — all while kickin’ back at cha moms’s crib in the ex-urbs — isn’t the very definition of reality for a d-bag, I don’t know what is.

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Daniel Pipes, director of the anti-Muslim research group Middle East Forum and internet blogger helped quash a Arabic school in Brooklyn, New York. Said Mr. Pipes in a White People Times article, ” The danger is that the United States stands to become another England or France.”

Whoa! Thank you Mr. Pipes for intervening on the behalf of God and America! The last thing a d-bag wants is to become a cheese eating surrender monkey. (Though they are kinda cute!)

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Where\'d it go?!

There is no money a d-bag can’t spend if he can just get his hands on it. That is why d-bags of every social and economic class work together to promote deficit spending.

What is deficit spending? The simple answer is borrowing money you never intend to repay to acquire goods and services you can enjoy today. Examples of deficit spending run from the individual who maintains a permanent debt consisting of credit cards and home loans to the national government whose current national debt is 9.3 trillion dollars. (That’s $30,729.55 for every human citizen of the United States.) The difference is, the bigger the d-bag, the less likely they will pay off their debts. After all, a d-bag never sweats the small stuff. So while you are losing your house and your car, your POTUS is cutting taxes on your culture heroes, the guys who rake in hundreds of millions of dollars a year. And the funny thing is, that’s how we like it! Because hey! That’ll be me, as soon as I can rustle up another line of credit.

If you were a liberal, an environmentalist, or a Muslim, you might say “Yo! That’s an unsupportable lifestyle!” But d-bags know the key to maintaining a high standard of living without having to save money is the magic word: growth. As any Laffable economist can tell you, future growth is the magic pill that solves all of todays worries. Future growth is “morning in America”; future growth is the happy side of the d-bag’s mantra, “I deserve it.” Future growth says debt is not a sin that will be meted to the fourth and fifth generations, or a self-deceiving way of selling your grandkids into indentured servitude to the Chinese; it says that debt as a percentage of GDP can be maintained because the d-bag can-do spirit we bequeath to our young’uns will teach them how to wriggle out of their own debts!

In the spirit of sportsmanship, we must give the devil her due. Though demented 60s hippy, Janis Joplin, reeked of patchouli when she was alive and stinks of death now, she did get one thing right: “tomorrow never comes, man.” Live it up!

UPDATE!!!:

Check out this fun article by Marketwatch.com’s Paul Farrell! Farrell is a Milton Friedman conservative, so why is he so angry? Because it seems he figured out that what 99% of Americans call “conservative” is actually just d-baggery!

The old definition of conservative: Trusting in the wisdom of our elders and practicing their virtues of thrift, honesty, and trustworthiness in order to honor their memory.

The NEW!!! definition of conservative (as espoused by Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, George W. Bush and Richard Cheney): Proving your manhood by cheating people too honest to think you’re such a d-bag.

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long and strong

What is the d-bag’s love affair with maize all about? Well, it’s versatile, it’s all natural, it’s fun, and it’ll be the new gas for the 21st century!

Some of the many important uses of ethanol will be:

1) Reducing our dependence on Islamofascism from the Middle East

2) Increasing our freedoms, as guaranteed by God and the Constitution

3) Promoting world peace and a sustainable fuel for growth well into the 21st century.

Though ethanol is obviously a no-brainer, be careful when discussing this topic with a d-bag. Many d-bags are extremely sensitive to environmental issues, so unless you are a legitimate scientist on the payroll of Uncle Sam’s good old U. S. of A. you might want to keep your cotton-pickin’ mouth closed.

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Toss it in the cornhole

Toss it in your Cornhole! What is Cornhole? Although it has been called many things – Corn Toss, Bean Bag, Bean Toss, Soft Horseshoes, Indiana Horseshoes, Salad Toss, Cincinnati Sphincter Stretch – for those who have grown up with the game, and avid newcomers alike, the sport is passionately referred to as Cornhole.

The origins of Cornhole are largely unknown. Some historians claim that the game was born in 14th century Germany and reinvented somewhere in the Cincinnati Tri-state area perhaps as long as 100 years ago. Others adhere to the theory that agricultural and ex-urban communities since the Stone Age spontaneously take up cornholing as a way to pass long and idle hours in the back shed. Although Cornhole enthusiasts can be heard to argue a number of theories, often based upon which side of the Ohio River they call home, one thing all can agree on is that the game is great fun for all ages and can be played anywhere!

Ouch!The basic elements of strategy for cornhole are 1) buy a case or two of delicious beer — Natty Ice is traditional; 2) Lay hands on your bean bag; 3) grab a couple of friends and start cornholin’!

Midwestern d-bags have long known the salubrious effects of corn on your cornhole. Just as our pioneer forefathers used corn cobs for pipes and to scrape their nether parts immaculately clean, modern day corn enthusiasts celebrate the healthy properties of corn by feeding it to livestock, making it into sweet, sugary syrup to make any food more delicious, and turning it into fuel to ensure that no d-bag will ever be without a pick-up on the farm and NASCAR on the box.

What better way to ritually honor the humble cereal grain native to North America than to praise it in sport and song? Cornhole represents the traditional American values growing from the soil of our motherland: simplicity and truth , respect for the natural bounty of our nation, and a leisurely, don’t-sweat-the-small-stuff ethos that has made us world leaders in Cornholing. (I defy the Chinese or Muslims to be more energetic or effective cornholers!) And in the final analysis, you can only play so much fantasy football before your cornhole starts ichin’ for some action.

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