Sometimes, a white d-bag wants to kick back at the local cineplex, or at home in front of the massive home cine-o-rama, leave the worries of his day behind and enjoy some simple, mindless comedy. The solution to this quagmire? The Adam Sandler Movie (ASM).
Adam Sandler quickly earned the respect of white d-bags during his stint on Saturday Night Live (SNL), on which he created several memorable characters (Gap Girl, Canteen Boy, Hub’s Gyros -you like-a-da-juice?, Opera Man, and the Denise Show).
The “M” in ASM are, of course, The Movies – Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, The Waterboy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. These cinematic beauties feature a common theme: Lovable, sarcastic, immature (and slightly doughy) white guy gets stuck in a jam. Our hero always pulls through via silliness, penis and urine gags, and mocking others. Rounding out the plot, he always ends up with the pretty girl, who lovingly rolls her eyes at his antics.
The d-bag consumes an ASM because it is an idealized mirror of his own experience: he is in an ASM slightly more handsome, he can freely mouth off to authority, take lightly the responsibilities of education and parenthood, and still end up with the pretty girl, who by any realistic metric of intra-personal valuation, world would be far beyond his reach.
The Wedding Singer represents a crossover d-bag hit, meaning it attracted the attention of the girlfriends and wives of d-bags. The d-factor upped a notch when the Wedding Singer was turned into a big-budget Broadway musical (an experience pursued by the d-bag only when said musical is based on an existing movie, ensuring the attendee will know exactly what is going on at all times without being confused by fancy musical scores and flashy choreography).
The Adam Sandler movie* serves several purposes for the d-bag, including but not limited to:
1) Obviating the mental stress produced on a d-bag by a plot.
2) Putting an end to the confusion many d-bags feel when they see Adam Sandler called by a different name by other actors on the screen.
3) Distilling into one movie every moronic catchphrase Sandler has ever invented.
4) Allows a d-bag a public space in which to laugh about “balls,” “ballsacks,” “penises,” etc, and to later reenact said jokes again and again among friends.
*note: this phenomenon refers only to the comedic films, and not the experimental dramas such as Punch Drunk Love (which is too dark and convoluted for the d-bag’s enjoyment). Be careful when discussing Punch Drunk Love with a d-bag! Don’t give them the impression that you are white, or they may end up calling you a d-bag and sharing their cocaine with your girlfriend.