It has been said that fifty-one percent of Americans pursue a college diploma after completing high school. Of that group, perhaps a quarter are able or willing to pursue graduate studies. What does this have to do with the essence of d-baggery? After all, d-bags can be found from trailer parks to the White House. There are Harvard educated d-bags and d-bags who barely managed to scrape out a GED so they could enlist. What binds together disparate d-bags in the melting pot of our great democracy? Two words: distance learning; or d-learning, as I prefer to call it. It is a no-brainer. Why go to school (where you have to deal with lesbian granola eaters and snotty liberals) when you can do all your courses online? It’s no fuss, no muss. A big white envelope arrives in the mail at the first of the month. Take your time! There are no classes to miss, no teachers to give you puzzled looks. After a while you’ll get it done, and when you do, you’ll join the ranks of American heroes like Ronald Reagan, Richard Cheney, and Rush Limbaugh. The point is maximizing your personal freedom. The point is being all that you can be. The point is not leaving the security of your bedroom at all costs. There is nothing a hard-working d-bag cannot accomplish if he puts his mind to it.