D-bags love acronyms. One way that d-bags recognize each other is by the amplitude and sophistication of their use of acronyms. Acronyms are attractive to the d-bag because they convey a sense of no-nonsense urgency, truthiness, and facticity that is impossible to achieve by saying each full word. An acronym is easy to learn by even d-bags of the meanest capacity, but acronyms allow d-bags to speak to the most complex issues of our time. (Notice that muslims do not use acronyms.) Some great d-bag lost to history decided not to fill his mouth with the words, “light amplified by the stimulated emission of radiation” and gave us instead the word LASER, which has been a boon to science fiction d-bags ever since. D-bags aspire to be CEOs or COOs, and if they work hard enough they can become the POTUS. D-bags rely on the NSA, NATO, the FBI and the CIA (like, WTF? FISA is for pussies!) to keep us safe from WMDs. D-bags like to forget that the DJIA has tanked and that the CPI has made a gallon of gas four dollars by reciting their favorite hitter’s RBIs in the game last night, and noting that the other team’s one HR was meaningless after their pitcher gave up two BBs and the left fielder missed an SVO.
There is nothing a d-bag can’t mystify by liberally peppering every sentence with acronyms. Even if you don’t care about foreign policy, cars, sports, or electronics — the traditional fields of d-bag expertise — you can still confuse every non-d-bag auditor by rattling off model numbers and product specs of less traditional d-bag interest. Let’s say you’ve parked outside Starbucks at the shopping center off the expressway, and you’re leaning against your new Dodge Nitro, examining your new Nikon D-70 DSLR camera. So far so good — you look like a classic d-bag. But suppose a cutie in velour sweats with a thong riding high on her hips walks by. You want to impress her with your sensitive side. “Can I take your picture?” you ask. She gives you a look that says, “I don’t understand you,” so you say, “I’m trying out my new Nikon D-70 DSLR digital camera.” Before she can sort out whatever it was you said, you snap the photo, and before the hour is out you upload it onto your PC for quality alone time. It’s a no brainer!
In sum, there is a sublime and unreflective comfort in jumbled letters that soothes the restless soul of every d-bag.