[In order to preserve the rich culture and history of d-baggery in the United States, “Stuff White D-bags Like” is introducing a new feature: the Dictionary of National D-bags! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!]
Who is the iconic face of white, American d-baggery? — Tim Allen. It completely goes without thinking that the man who made gorilla noises on national TV while wearing a tool belt should be our national d-bag mascot, but there is much more to Tim Allen’s story that must be preserved for future generations of d-bags.
During the 70s kulturkampf Allen practiced d-bagging by driving fast cars, smoking copious quantities of weed, and selling cocaine. Like the founding fathers of modern American d-baggery, however, Allen was a free-wheeling hippie-dippie liberal — and not a true d-bag — until he got mugged by the American justice system. After having served twenty-eight months of his three year sentence, Allen was paroled both for good behavior and his uproariously funny antics while behind bars. On a dare from a friend he participated in a stand-up open mic comdey night, where he realized successful d-bags promote d-baggery by raising it to the level of stand-up philosophy.
As a theorist of d-baggery, Allen made important breakthroughs in this emerging American science. Though not as innovative as the vanguard of American d-bags, Allen popularized notions like the “NASCAR dad” and the danger of standing next to a naked man, which contributed to the groundswell of support for male egos that had been under attack by feminists and post-structuralists since the late 1960s. Allen also popularized the softer side of White American d-bags by playing d-bags who start off as classic, arrogant, egotistical, grabastic, grunting d-bags but mellow into fun, cuddly, avuncular d-bags, usually through some sort of supernatural or divine intervention.