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Archive for May, 2008

D-bag archeologists from the thirty-first century will come across the picture above and conclude with a high degree of certainty that ancient d-bags inducted their warrior class into full rights of manhood with a pinwheel chest thump. Once the ceremony was completed and the newly minted man-d-bag was invested with the magical powers and prerogatives of d-baggery, the silverback d-bag and the novitiate d-bag would partake in ritual land-surfing.

 

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Faithful d-bags and readers of this blog turn to Chunque to quiet their worried minds when it comes to disputed matters of d-bag doctrine. Worry not, gentle d-bag. Chunque is here once again to set the world straight.

It used to be easy for a d-bag to recognize the haters. As d-bag philosopher Mike Allen said of newly excommunicated, former d-bag Scott McClellan, “indeed, Scott does adopt the vocabulary, rhetoric of the left wing haters. Can you believe it in here [when] he says the White House press corps was too deferential to the administration?”

Haters were left-wing downers, do-gooders, and snivelling snits who weren’t down with the Morning in America, “I deserve it” program. Or, as another up-and-coming d-bag philosopher puts it, haters are “white people [who] strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.” They are the thinkers, the readers, (i.e. the pussies) who spend their entire pent-up, frustrated, fruitless lives thinking and reading and waiting for an opportunity to make a d-bag feel small and insignificant — though this will never happen! D-bags know that brains don’t mean shit as long as you have a hefty pair of stones. And so the haters go on hating, wallowing in their impotence, while d-bags continue to rule the world.

But recently it has become unclear if haters are still the ones on the wrong side of reality. David Brooks, a modest d-bag philosopher for the White People Times told George Packer in The New Yorker (a shamefully white publication) that “most conservatives [i.e. d-bags] seem incapable of even acknowledging the central issues of our moment: wage stagnation, inequality, health care, global warming. They are stuck in the past, in the dogma of limited government.” [PROFANITY ALERT!: sensitive d-bags avert your eyes and read not until the beginning of the next paragraph!] Said Brooks, “You go to Capitol Hill — Republican senators know they’re fucked. They have that sense. But they don’t know what to do. There’s a hunger for new policy ideas.”

Used to be a day in this country when a left wing hater who offered to critique the “policy ideas” of a d-bag could be threatened with charges of treason and, with thinly veiled threats of violence, reminded that there is no escape from Gitmo. But all of a sudden it seems that the haters are the ones who make up for their non-existant chin by either A) wearing facial hair, or B) writing a book that in its viciousness borders on psycho- and socio-pathology.

  

 Could it be that hating liberals is also a form of “hating”? This concept is difficult for a d-bag to grasp, because d-baggery is founded on the understanding that you are better than others because you are strong where they are weak. Indeed, the very intensity of his hatefulness is what proves to a d-bag his superiority. Only a non-d-bag could ever think that a d-bag’s rage was a symptom of fear and insecurity rather than strong, unapologetic masculinity. So, dear reader, worry not. Let your loving Chunque reassure you. Your d-baggery does not make you a hater. No. The haters are the poor fools who don’t understand that joyful hating is not hate.

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For most of the twentieth century d-bags disdained facial hair. But this was not always the case! And it seems that some forms of facial hair, worn by the right sort of d-bag, have once again become a badge of honor among d-bags.

After World War I and the fall of the European monarchies “old skool” d-baggery fell out of fashion. As ideas about social justice, economic equity and the rule of law became standard in Europe and the United States, wearing a woodland creature on your upper lip or chin seemed like a quaint anachronism like “kings” or “divine right.” George V, King of England, Emperor of India and  first King of the Irish Free State (pictured at right) was the last European monarch who sported a well-groomed Van Dyke, perhaps because after all the other monarchs had been slain in popular uprisings (from France 1789 to Russia 1917) it seemed prudent to hide your ancestral claim to wealth and power. From the time of Edward VIII the of wearing whiskers was abandoned by the better sort of d-bag in favor of a clean-shaven appearance.

During the twenties, the Great Depression, the Second World War, the Korean conflict, and most of Vietnam only miners, speculators, hobos and Daniel Day Lewis wore facial hair. The issue was particularly charged in the 60s when facial hair was worn by young men wishing to protest d-baggery. “Cut that job and get some hair” became a rallying cry for young men who eschewed personal power and “I deserve it” ideology in favor of public service, responsible use of natural resources and a Romantic agrarianism. Sadly, this movement was too fantastic and ideological to survive the realities of industrialized, global economies. It only served to provoke d-bags into taking back the ancient symbolic power of facial hair, which they had rashly abandoned at the dawn of the Modern age.

Fortunately for d-bags of all ages, facial hair is back! You can find it on bellicose d-bags like John Bolton (pictured above), professional d-bags in the corrections, military,  and police industries, and on amateur d-bag intellectuals who want to look ten years older than they really are.

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Though a d-bag is firmly convinced that he deserves whatever special treatment sets him apart from others, sometimes the gross inequity and crass overreaching of a d-bag’s desires gets him into trouble. The first move a d-bag will make to wiggle out of his predicament is to project chutzpah. “It wasn’t me.” “What are you? Some kind of Islamofacist?” “‘Science’ has not conclusively proved that tobacco causes cancer.” But every so often a d-bag gets stuck holding the bag, and that’s when d-bags fall in love with the mea culpa.

 What exactly is a mea culpa? The origin of the expression is from a traditional prayer in the Mass of the Roman Catholic Church known as Confiteor (Latin for “I confess”), in which the individual recognizes his or her flaws before God. This use of the term is particularly relevant to religious d-bags like Jimmy Swaggart (pictured above) and Jim Bakker (at left) who practiced “classic” d-baggery of the sort used since the most ancient times to birddog rivals, bag bitches, and enrich themselves with gifts from the poor, all in the name of the one, true God. Being able to say you’re sorry, avoid punishment, and continue d-bagging is a wonderful proof of your d-bagging prowess. Most high profile d-bags have the mea culpa medal pinned on their chests (though notably Eliot Spitzer has yet to turn his mea culpa into d-bag gold by triumphantly returning to public office. This may be because he gave up d-baggery, but considering the source, I doubt it. Look for Spitzer in a councilman race near you in 2009!).

Though they were popular in the 1980s with the religious set, Ronald Reagan’s refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing in the many criminal exploits of his administration (e. g. Iran-Contra,  HUD, S&L bailout) made mea culpas fall out of fashion as the 20th century drew to a close. It took an impeachment procedure to get Bill Clinton to admit he allowed Monica Lewinsky to fellate him, and with the ascension of the Bush dynasty in 2000, all the guiding stars of d-baggery were aligned to allow a George Bush to dare to dream d-bag big — on a bigger scale than ever before imagined. For almost a decade it seemed that d-bags would be able to assert their own truth, overwhelming contradictory evidence to the contrary, and never have to utter a mea culpa again. But, mutatis mutandis it appears that black is once again the new black and the mea culpa is back.

Guess who just came out with his very first mea culpa?! That’s right, the man who is making it OK for d-bags to say “I’m sorry” is SWDBL’s d-bag of the day Scott McClellan! MacClellan, in his tell-all new book “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” says “I fell far short of living up to the kind of public servant I wanted to be,” and that some of his own words from the podium in the White House briefing room turned out to be “badly misguided.” (Too late for the four thousand plus soldiers dead!)

MacClellan writes, “The president had promised himself that he would accomplish what his father had failed to do by winning a second term in office, and that meant operating continually in campaign mode: never explaining, never apologizing, never retreating. Unfortunately, that strategy also had less justifiable repercussions: never reflecting, never reconsidering, never compromising. Especially not where Iraq was concerned.”

“A more self-confident executive would be willing to acknowledge failure, to trust people’s ability to forgive those who seek redemption for mistakes and show a readiness to change.”

Yeah sure, but not for a d-bag!

Karl Rove, once a master theorist of d-baggery, now an inside joke on Fox News, denied allegations he and Libby kept information from McClellan about Plame, in an attempt to blow back against McClellan’s initiative to rehabilitate the mea culpa. Rove said what was reported on Politico doesn’t sound like the McClellan he has known for years. Instead, Rove told FOX News’ “Hannity & Colmes” it sounded more like “a liberal blogger.” Will Rove be able to pull off another d-bag coup and convince Americans that McClellan’s body has been hollowed out by Liberal Islamofacists who have inserted a Liberal cyborg homunculus underneath McClellan’s skin? Maybe not, but you have to give it to Karl. He’s working overtime to keep the dream alive.

UPDATE!!!: 

The d-bag machine keeps on churnin’ out the hits! The current spin on McClellan’s perfidy follows Rove’s sci-fi fantasy contention (mentioned above) that aliens have hollowed out Scott’s body and installed a liberal blogger underneath his skin. Ari Fleischer says he can not wait to hear Mr. McClellan talk about the book on television, “to see if there’s a written Scott and an oral Scott.” Trent Duffy, who worked as McClellan’s deputy for more than two years, said of the avid University of Texas sports fan: “Tomorrow maybe we’re going to learn he’s rooting for the Oklahoma Sooners.” “Here’s a man who owes his whole career to George W. Bush, and here he’s stabbing him in the back and no one knows why,” Duffy said. “He appears to be dancing on his political grave for cash.” If the Administration flacks are right, and this is just sour grapes for cash, McClellan’s mea culpa is in no way different from the public self-flagellations of “classic” d-bags like Swaggart and Bakker. If on the other hand McClellan is truly contrite (let’s not forget that, as a Times editorial says, “this is the same Scott McClellan who presumably had a big role in creating the White House’s communications strategy and joined in the ‘culture of deception’ with such zeal that we lost count of the times he ridiculed critics of the war and questioned their patriotism”) it is plausible that it took two years of de-programming for a d-bag to return to reason and good judgment. In which case this mea culpa might be sincere.

 

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This one actually takes a minute of brain power, ’cause it’s a little counter-intuitive. Why would a d-bag like — even love — Iran? There are so many things to dislike about the place. It’s full of Muslims. It is a spoke on the Axis of Evil. It embarrassed the Carter administration and helped get Reagan elected president. Ok, that’s not so bad. In fact, this line of thinking is why d-bags, in their secret heart of hearts love Iran. Without Iran there would be no excuse for a d-bag to interrupt polite dinner conversation so he can scream, red-faced, about liberal appeasers, Hitler, and the essentially Satanic nature of government services like socialized medicine, effective disaster relief, and paved roads. Iran is hard proof that Evil (notice the capital “e”) exists and that it will use our weakness and lack of respect for authority to contaminate us and taint our purity. It is the Beast of Revelations that calls us forth to battle gloriously for the one, true God.

I bet you’re like, Chunque, that rhetoric is soooooo first Bush II term. No one says that kind of thing in public anymore. Maybe not. But just because saber rattling has gone out of style doesn’t mean Iran as a justification for d-bag politics has gone away! Check out these articles from Fox News, Reuters, and even the New York Times. That’s the “mainstream” media (the same d-bags who sold us Saddam’s WMDs). This article by d-bag philosopher Peter Wehner in the latest issue of Commentarymagazine.com tells us as clearly as possible that “if Iran succeeds in its efforts to gain nuclear weapons, it could bring forth ruin on an unimaginable scale.” Mr. Wehner, in a heartfelt attempt to resist exaggeration and false analogy tell us “The Hitler analogy is overused these days. But from time to time it can be instructive.” Indeed. It is also instructive when talking about Saddam Hussein, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong Il, and even Barack Obama (playing the role of Neville Chamberlain). You say, even Pat Buchanan says the Hitler gambit is played out and misleading. Maybe so, but that didn’t stop the POTUS from using it last month to slam the opposition.

Part of what makes a d-bag is their sense of self-worth and importance, which is completely out of proportion to reality. This is why d-bags are so fond of eschatology, or the science of apocalypse, a. k. a. the End Times or Last Days. (Seriously, check that link out!) If you live at the End of History you must be living in the most exciting — and important — time there can be! You might even be the one who rises from obscurity to save the unbelieving world from total annihilation — or better yet, perhaps you will lead the saints to the New Jerusalem! And the road to Jerusalem leads right through downtown Tehran. That many d-bags urge action against Iran because of Ahmadinejad’s apocalyptic beliefs is almost too ironic. You can’t make this stuff up! For Wehner to say “Ahmadinejad’s policies are driven by his religious worldview” with a straight face is more laughs than an episode of “My Name Is Earl”! Fortunately for the evangelical sort of d-bag (Jewish, Christian and Muslim) history isn’t ending any time soon, but there will still be lots of Anti-Christs around to provide a justification for d-baggery. As the A-number-1 d-bag of the twentieth century said in his seminal primer of contemporary d-baggery:

“My feeling as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice… And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people.” — A. Hitler.

P.S. For fun substitute “Muslim” for “Jew” in the passage above and see how familiar it feels!

 

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The salacious-story-of-the-day award goes to Fox News for their important work revealing the sexual perversions of the French under German occupation in World War II!

Book: Paris Under Nazis Was One Big Sex Romp

“A new book which suggests that the German occupation of France encouraged the sexual liberation of women has shocked a country still struggling to come to terms with its troubled history of collaboration with the Nazis.”

“Many might prefer to forget but, with their husbands in prison camps, numerous women slept not only with German soldiers — the young ‘blond barbarians’ were particularly attractive to French women, says [Patrick] Buisson — but also conducted affairs with anyone else who could help them through financially difficult times: ‘They gave way to the advances of the boss, to the tradesman they owed money to, their neighbor. In times of rationing, the body is the only renewable, inexhaustible currency.'”

Drool, drool, drool, drool!

For further analysis of why d-bags love kinky sex see the following:

 

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To be successful a d-bag needs to demonstrate power without having to continually prove it. Sometimes this means establishing a reputation for violence and unpredictability and occasionally finding some pussy-ass sucker at an appropriate moment to show your pals you’re not losing it.

Whadda you lookin\' at? This is the type of d-bag played by Joe Pesci in most of Martin Scorsese’s movies. D-bags want to recognize this type as the paradigm of d-baggery, because this person is legitimately scary (and unquestionably a d-bag). If, however, we analyze the population of d-bags, a different picture emerges from the data. The evidence suggests that many d-bags are not completely liberated from their fear of reprisal, though this is in the mind of a d-bag a sign that one is a pussy. What’s the point of being a d-bag if have to care what other people think? But unfortunately for d-bags society at large still seeks to marginalize or neutralize these individuals, either through social ostracization, imprisonment or death. It is evident then that the “Tommy Devito” d-bag is a myth rather than commonly occuring type.

Why does the space between the myth of violence and the reality of fear of reprisal not cause cognitive dissonance that might adversely affect a d-bag’s self-image? In the first place, the Tommy Devito myth allows a d-bag to imagine (pretend?) that if they were in a similar situation they too could command the ruthless violence and cool disdain for others characteristic of a “gangsta” even though this is far from the truth. In the second place, this myth is a piece of cultural work that allows d-bags to shape perceptions of themselves without having to offer proof. All the proof they need is in the movies and on TV. Wear the right clothes (bling), use the right terminology, smoke the right cigars, and you have acquired sufficient proof of belonging to the club of d-bags whose violence hangs like acrid smoke over the rest of human society.

D-bags are so often used to getting what they want without having to prove they are violent (because it has been proven in a thousand cultural productions) that they sometimes forget themselves and make a revealing blunder, which can lead to ostracization. For example, Mike Huckabee’s recent joke about Barak Obama being assassinated. Ditto Hillary Clinton. Sadly, the lesson a d-bag might take away from these blunders — don’t make threats or promises you can’t keep — runs counter to the very core philosophy of d-baggery. If “I deserve it”, I shouldn’t have to work for it. And backing up thinly veiled threats of violence with real strength requires work.

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