It’s Thursday, and that means another entry in our Dictionary of National D-bags. Today’s honored d-bag is Dennis Miller!
When a d-bags dreams of turning a personality trait into a profession, he should think of Dennis Miller.
Miller was born in the proverbial armpit of d-baggery, Pittsburgh, PA in 1953. He attended Park Point College where he majored in Journalism because, “I thought it would be easy.” During his training years as a bro he rushed and was admitted to Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity where he “did some things I’m not proud of,” including but not limited to: listening to the Steve Miller Band by himself, in the bathroom, with the water running; pouring itching powder in the Dean’s bed on a dare; and drunkenly insisting that, “if you don’t touch it, it’ll turn blue and fall off.”
By the time he was released on his own recognizance into the “real” world, Miller was mugged by said reality when his boss in the deli at Giant Eagle asked Miller to “cover everything with Saran wrap” (a mid-twentieth century plastic wrap popular in food service and at certain “swing” parties). Miller, according to a co-worker whose name has been withheld in a witness protection program, “literally covered everything with Saran Wrap — including the time clock, counters, and the boss’s prize collection of monster salamis he brought back from a trip to Morocco.” Miller was reprimanded by Giant Eagle’s senior manager and had to serve a ten year sentence in the infamous Pittsburgh “Three Rivers” comedy dungeon, also known as “The Funny Bone.” He served eight of those ten years writing penis jokes forged from soul-crushing personal experience.
Miller’s big break came when SNL producer Lorne Michaels tapped his ass for the prestigious position of anchor of the news desk. From there Miller went from success to success. Some of his major accomplishments in the promotion of d-baggery are:
1) Recruiting Adam Sandler for SNL
2) Beating out Rush Limbaugh and Tony Kornheiser (among others) for a job as color commentator on ABC’s Monday Night Football
3) Saying on the Fox News show “Hannity and Colmes” in 2006 of Mexican immigrants, “we have to confront this problem right now, because the Rubicon Grande has obviously been crossed,” referring both to the Mexican/American border and the Roman war lord Julius Caesar (presumably because both Mexicans and Romans speak Latin)
He has remarked: “Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. I’m a family man. I sold out to make an M&M commercial. They offer incredible amounts of money, and I say, ‘What can I do to sell one more piece of candy for you? Do you want me to hug the M&M?'” Fortunately for him — and us! — “selling out” was really buying in — to become an all-American, true red, white and blue (balled) d-bag.