The only fifty-cent word a d-bag should know is schadenfreude. It captures so much of what a d-bag likes.
Being in a media saturated environment (ex-urbs and Disneyworld are equidistant from reality) good, old sit-coms (Seinfeld, Friends) and dramas (CSI, 24) just don’t get the heart racing or wood growing in the forest. Fiction is too, um, fictional for most d-bags. More to the point, fiction is a nice place to visit, but a d-bag likes to live in “the Real World” — even if he has to build it from scratch. The fun of reality TV is the unpredictability of watching real people suffering real pain. And that’s the only way you know it’s real.
The same thing applies to sex. A woman can fake an orgasm, but she can’t fake pain. Sadly, a d-bag’s love of strong women often precludes acting on this sort of impulse, at least as soon as the honeymoon is over. Where can you get your rocks off — especially if you have to do it while the old ball-and-chain is sitting there next to you on the couch? You guessed it — reality TV.
Not all reality TV is alike! Be sure to pick the show that’s right for you. If you’re a chick, or a guy who might also be a chick, stick to the soft stuff. Anything on MTV or VH1 will do. If you’re a guy guy, you might enjoy some Survivor, or any show that makes chicks eat dead stuff and/or mule anus. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a d-bag (for example because you are an white, urban, professional, pillow-biter) there’s a show for you too! Try anything on Bravo. What if you work at Wal*Mart? Jerry Springer is probably to your taste. But of course, the ultimate reality TV infotainment is found exclusively on Fox News. (I didn’t bother trying to find anything funny for that link. Anytime you navigate to that site you’ll find something obscene to chuckle over.)
“This morning MTV announced it has greenlit the 21st season of The Real World. It will be filmed in Brooklyn, the reigning home turf of post-teen drama, and broadcast in 13 one-hour episodes in early 2009. No word yet regarding in which neighborhood the attention-seeking hopefuls will reside.”
OMG! Which scenario would please a d-bag most? Probably to have the Real World Contestants live in GTA IV land (that’s Brooklyn, right?). Barring that the next best choice would be Brownsville or Bed-Stuy. That way the enterprising entrepreneurs living in the neighborhood could turn they asses out for paper, satisfying all a d-bag’s prurient, voyeuristic needs.