A lot of times d-bags like to tell you they are hard-nosed realists and unsentimental skeptics who coolly assess the facts and don’t let their emotions cloud their judgement. If you believe this, d-bags will surely laugh at you, and let’s face it, you deserve it. The soul of d-baggery is making someone else play by rules that the d-bag doesn’t have to follow. For the sake of enlightening and instructing non-d-bags in the ways of d-baggery, Chunque will explain heroes to the world. The difference between a d-bag hero and a traditional hero is all in the dress code. That is, a normal person doesn’t require his sentimental crap to come dressed in a uniform.
For a d-bag a hero is anyone who has the power to wreck someone else’s life but decides not to out of sheer benevolence. Alcoholic fathers, mustachioed cops on the take, anyone who saves a kitty from a tree, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are all heroes by this definition. Let’s make this a no-brainer: if you are man enough to use sophisticated legal arguments to defraud the powerless and waste precious resources — just because you can — but are sensitive enough to get choked up over a Mel Gibson movie like The Patriot, you are probably a d-bag hero.
The dark lord of d-baggery says that conservation is a “personal virtue“. Let’s unpack that for the non-d-bags who might read this blog. By “personal” he means domestic, feminine, and weak. An “impersonal” virtue, on the other hand, is the kind that heroes have: masculine, skeptical, rational, wasteful, outwardly directed, careless of others’ needs or safety, committed to a larger cause — the big picture — which the d-bag has impersonally decided was in everyone else’s best interests.
Sadly, it is difficult for every aspiring d-bag to be a hero by practicing impersonal virtues. (This is particularly true for d-bag intellectuals like Christopher Hitchens, Penn Jillette, and Trey Parker.) That is why there are more opportunities to be a d-bag hero at your local Hummer dealership than there are on the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan.