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Nothin’ says d-bag like letting your clothes do the insulting. (Thanks to the SkepTick at www.wayofthewoo.blogspot.com for the heads up.)

Once a long time ago d-bags were content to wear T-shirts that said “I’m only 2 girls short of a 3-some”, “I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look”, and “It’s not a bald spot; it’s a solar panel for a sex machine”. That was a simpler age, when the threat of communism had worn off but before Islamofascism and autism had taken its place.

Not only is it OK in d-bag America to say things that would have been condemned by our grandparents, it is obligatory to wear them on your chest as a way of identifying yourself to other d-bags.

The charm of d-baggery isn’t joining a junta, persecuting innocent people just because you think you’re bigger, or even exploiting those who nurture and sustain you to prove you’re a pimp (though those are perks). No, the icing on a d-bag’s nuttsack is the ability to insult people to their faces, daring them to fight back.

And when they do fight back, you can accuse them of breaking the rules of social decorum.

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Does this guy look like he’s your grandfather telling you to go to the woodshed and pick out a strong, green hickory switch that he will use to beat your ass? Or is this the face of the headmaster at an orphanage who “punishes” unruly children in the privacy of his office with the shades drawn and the door locked?

Either way, Donald Rumsfeld is a paragon of d-baggery in American history. If there were a shelf for fine, barrel-aged, smoke-cured d-bags, he would be on top. More than Robert McNamara, Rumsfeld’s predecessor in short-sighted, know-it-all militarist d-baggery, Rumsfeld brought the ignorance and the arrogance of power to new heights within the framework of all-American, apple pie eating ideology.

Rumsfeld’s main accomplishment is the Rumsfeld Doctrine, a perfect synthesis of d-bag philosophies that assures American presidents who want to wage foreign wars but on the cheap that they can have their cake and eat it too. “I deserve it” + “paying for it is someone else’s problem” = Rumsfeld Doctrine. This is also the basis of the business practice of generating “externalities” — that is, costs of maintaining capital or labor that someone else has to pay, preferably the public.

For being the sufficient and necessary cause of millions of dead men and women at absolutely no cost to himself or his conscience, we enroll Donald Rumsfeld in the Dictionary of National D-bags!

Appeasement

D-bags are fond of accusing others of being Nazis. We live for it. We also like to accuse white people of it. The difference is when we’re not accusing someone of being a Nazi, we’re accusing them of appeasement.

Winston Churchill was a monarchist, suspicious of democratic institutions, who railed against  the abdication of prince Edward. His thorough self-knowledge was an advantage when he saw Hitler’s absolutist ambitions. Churchill correctly identified how big a d-bag Hitler would turn out to be.

Then again, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Calling people fascists

Some d-bags have suggested that regular white folks like to compare people they don’t like to Hitler. That may be true, but white folks have absolutely nothing on d-bags when it comes to throwing around terms like Hitler, fascist and anti-Semite.

The argument goes something like this: If you’re nice to other people you’re a liar and hypocrite. Deep down people are not nice — not at all! At least I (the d-bag) am honest about being a pompous, overbearing, selfish ass, and this means I am a freedom loving Republican. If you help people you actually take away their freedom by obliging them to yourself. Because we are all d-bags deep down we all resent being helped and put under an obligation.

Now, we d-bags love power. We love conspicuous displays of waste because it shows off our power. We love torturing children to show off our power. We love putting limits on what citizens can do and say to show off our power. We especially love signing statements.

The most straightforward definition of fascism is “authoritarian nationalist political ideologies or mass movements that are concerned with notions of cultural decline or decadence and seek to achieve a millenarian national rebirth by exalting the nation or race, and promoting cults of unity, strength and purity.” And the most straightforward exposition of such an ideology can be found in the mouths of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Michele Malkin. But because these d-bag philosophers are Americans who love their country and hate people who don’t love it as much as they do, they aren’t fascists. No, it’s the liberals who want to help the poor, build public transportation, and protect the rights of all men and women who are the real authoritarian heirs to Hitler.

Our latest installment in the Dictionary of National D-bags is John Yoo, perhaps the greatest d-bag of the early 21st century.

Yoo is an Ivy educated d-bag, graduating with a BA from Harvard and a JD from Yale. But because he is “off-white” he is acceptable to white d-bags as a poster boy for Horatio Alger-style luck and pluck. Like his mentor Clarence Thomas, Yoo had all the benefits of American society but none of the guilt. This happy situation has allowed him to be the purest voice of d-bag advocacy in the United States today.

You may know Yoo for his controversial opinions on the power of the U. S. government, including his opinion that the president has the right, if not the obligation, to spy on American citizens during a time of war. (This is extremely relevant today in light of the Senate’s passage of a bill to immunize telecoms who broke the law and protect the Bush administration from people finding out exactly how far they peered into our lives. Bush “relishes” signing it.) Or maybe you know Yoo for his “torture memos” that argued the state has the power to inflict whatever pain short of death it thinks necessary on captives. These things certainly make Yoo a tyrant and a monster — but not a d-bag! Monsters are capable of integrity; d-bags think integrity is for pussies.

D-bags say they deserve to be exempt from rules that everyone else has to follow — like keeping your contracts, honoring your promises, and believing in fair play. That is why when Yoo’s man is president he says things like, “To his critics, Mr. Bush is a ‘King George’ bent on an ‘imperial presidency.’ But the inescapable fact is that war shifts power to the branch most responsible for its waging: the executive.”

But when Yoo’s man is not president he argues the exact opposite in a tone of principled integrity: “President Clinton exercised the powers of the imperial presidency to the utmost in the area in which those powers are already at their height — in our dealings with foreign nations. Unfortunately, the record of the administration has not been a happy one, in light of its costs to the Constitution and the American legal system. On a series of different international relations matters, such as war, international institutions, and treaties, President Clinton has accelerated the disturbing trends in foreign policy that undermine notions of democratic accountability and respect for the rule of law.”

You might say he’s just being a lawyer, but even lawyers can once in a while show integrity. Rather, he is the intellectual prince of d-bags, telling bald-faced lies and willfully perverting truth to justify bad people in their bad behavior. And for that John Yoo is today’s honored entry in the Dictionary of National D-bags!

NOTE TO LIBERTARIAN D-BAGS: People who think it’s OK for one party to break their promises to another party are probably the same people who will take your stuff and throw you in jail if you object.

Pastoralia

Rolling green fields, blue skies flecked with soft, white clouds, the smell of freshly cut grass in July — these are a few of a d-bag’s favorite things. But only if you can see them through the bay window of a McMansion being cooled to a barely tolerable 65 degrees. Sometimes it’s OK to look at them as they whiz by the windows of your Hummer. D-bags are not into being outside if it involves feet or exercise.

D-bags love nature, but only as it exists in advertisements for Dodge trucks, Archer Daniels Midland corporation, or Lonesome Dove reruns. Otherwise d-bags like their nature paved. But not too much! We still like the expanses of green between ribbons of gray! Nothing says d-bag like well watered and manicured lawns as far as the eye can see, preferably in a desert somewhere in Southern California, Nevada, New Mexico, or Arizona. Those green fields are our d-bag birthright as Americans. They are the promise given us by the Founders of life, liberty, and a little plot of earth (no less than six acres) with all the amenities of a city including indoor plumbing, air conditioning, satellite TV, a four car garage, and an in-ground pool in the back yard. This is why the Greatest Generation died fighting Nazis and Japs — so that each and every American can live like an absolute feudal lord on his little exurban fief.

Many non-d-bags are subjected day-in and day-out to the pushy, rude, self-absorbed rants of d-bags. Self-righteous anger is a d-bag’s stock-in-trade. Most of the time we can get away with this because most pussies are too scared to stand up and defend themselves. But sometimes the quiet guy in the corner gets his panties in a bunch, his dander up, and his his choler high. He starts shouting something about how he can’t take it anymore, and if you really want to end this you’ll step outside. Maybe you were birddoggin’ him, or maybe he just can’t stand you saying — all evidence to the contrary — that voting for “W” in 2000 and 2004 was a good idea. Maybe you said Obama was a Muslim whose best friend is Osama a little too loud. It doesn’t matter because this pussy has just given you a golden opportunity. Tell him to just chill out!

Part of the d-bag creed is that others are not allowed to do what you are. Pussies are not allowed the privilege of anger; wimps are not allowed to invite their friends to gang up on you in the parking lot; women are not allowed to screw other men; the poor will have no perks; and laughter belongs to the strong. Showing anger when you have a good reason to be angry is losing control and a sign of weakness. Being angry at everything, and self-righteously taking your revenge on innocents is d-baggery.