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Posts Tagged ‘Bush’

Nothing gets on God’s nerves like hypocrites, falsifiers, syndicators and and slanderers. And he gets really mad when you tell his worshipers their pious moralizing is in bad taste.

Back in the 60s Malcolm X said we had to call Negroes “African-Americans”. In the 70s we had to learn what “environmentalism” meant. In the 80s — the greatest decade in the history of the United States — Liberal wingnuts told us it wasn’t “politically correct” to call Barnard College a girls’ school, throw our styrofoam Big Mac cartons out the window of our cars, or create a shadow government. In the 90s we made a comeback thanks to our d-bag heroes in the House and on the radio, giants of d-baggery like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. By the time our dark lord of d-baggery was elected to the highest office in the land it had become PC to be anti-PC!

The physics of it are as simple as the plot of a Tom Clancy novel or an episode of 24. If someone thinks you are an ass for being an ass, they are an ass; if you are an ass you are an honest, freethinking, moral, courageous, hero — but only so long as you accuse someone of being an ass because they accused you of being an ass because you were, in fact, being an ass. It’s a no-brainer.

When someone tells you you should be ashamed of yourself for being such a selfish, mean, sneaky, lying, smug, irritating blowhard, they’re being PC. When you tell someone they should watch what they say about America or else they might end up in Gitmo, you’re being a patriot. Be a free thinker. When someone points out your hypocrisy, accuse them of being PC!

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D-bags are fond of accusing others of being Nazis. We live for it. We also like to accuse white people of it. The difference is when we’re not accusing someone of being a Nazi, we’re accusing them of appeasement.

Winston Churchill was a monarchist, suspicious of democratic institutions, who railed against  the abdication of prince Edward. His thorough self-knowledge was an advantage when he saw Hitler’s absolutist ambitions. Churchill correctly identified how big a d-bag Hitler would turn out to be.

Then again, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Some d-bags have suggested that regular white folks like to compare people they don’t like to Hitler. That may be true, but white folks have absolutely nothing on d-bags when it comes to throwing around terms like Hitler, fascist and anti-Semite.

The argument goes something like this: If you’re nice to other people you’re a liar and hypocrite. Deep down people are not nice — not at all! At least I (the d-bag) am honest about being a pompous, overbearing, selfish ass, and this means I am a freedom loving Republican. If you help people you actually take away their freedom by obliging them to yourself. Because we are all d-bags deep down we all resent being helped and put under an obligation.

Now, we d-bags love power. We love conspicuous displays of waste because it shows off our power. We love torturing children to show off our power. We love putting limits on what citizens can do and say to show off our power. We especially love signing statements.

The most straightforward definition of fascism is “authoritarian nationalist political ideologies or mass movements that are concerned with notions of cultural decline or decadence and seek to achieve a millenarian national rebirth by exalting the nation or race, and promoting cults of unity, strength and purity.” And the most straightforward exposition of such an ideology can be found in the mouths of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Michele Malkin. But because these d-bag philosophers are Americans who love their country and hate people who don’t love it as much as they do, they aren’t fascists. No, it’s the liberals who want to help the poor, build public transportation, and protect the rights of all men and women who are the real authoritarian heirs to Hitler.

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Our latest installment in the Dictionary of National D-bags is John Yoo, perhaps the greatest d-bag of the early 21st century.

Yoo is an Ivy educated d-bag, graduating with a BA from Harvard and a JD from Yale. But because he is “off-white” he is acceptable to white d-bags as a poster boy for Horatio Alger-style luck and pluck. Like his mentor Clarence Thomas, Yoo had all the benefits of American society but none of the guilt. This happy situation has allowed him to be the purest voice of d-bag advocacy in the United States today.

You may know Yoo for his controversial opinions on the power of the U. S. government, including his opinion that the president has the right, if not the obligation, to spy on American citizens during a time of war. (This is extremely relevant today in light of the Senate’s passage of a bill to immunize telecoms who broke the law and protect the Bush administration from people finding out exactly how far they peered into our lives. Bush “relishes” signing it.) Or maybe you know Yoo for his “torture memos” that argued the state has the power to inflict whatever pain short of death it thinks necessary on captives. These things certainly make Yoo a tyrant and a monster — but not a d-bag! Monsters are capable of integrity; d-bags think integrity is for pussies.

D-bags say they deserve to be exempt from rules that everyone else has to follow — like keeping your contracts, honoring your promises, and believing in fair play. That is why when Yoo’s man is president he says things like, “To his critics, Mr. Bush is a ‘King George’ bent on an ‘imperial presidency.’ But the inescapable fact is that war shifts power to the branch most responsible for its waging: the executive.”

But when Yoo’s man is not president he argues the exact opposite in a tone of principled integrity: “President Clinton exercised the powers of the imperial presidency to the utmost in the area in which those powers are already at their height — in our dealings with foreign nations. Unfortunately, the record of the administration has not been a happy one, in light of its costs to the Constitution and the American legal system. On a series of different international relations matters, such as war, international institutions, and treaties, President Clinton has accelerated the disturbing trends in foreign policy that undermine notions of democratic accountability and respect for the rule of law.”

You might say he’s just being a lawyer, but even lawyers can once in a while show integrity. Rather, he is the intellectual prince of d-bags, telling bald-faced lies and willfully perverting truth to justify bad people in their bad behavior. And for that John Yoo is today’s honored entry in the Dictionary of National D-bags!

NOTE TO LIBERTARIAN D-BAGS: People who think it’s OK for one party to break their promises to another party are probably the same people who will take your stuff and throw you in jail if you object.

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Who doesn’t like to be entertained?

D-bags are attracted to many honorable professions: law, the military, project management, real estate, and public service to name just a few. But beneath it all, a d-bag is always an actor.

Some notable instances of d-bag acting today are:

  • CIA spokesman George Little. In a Senate hearing on the Bush administration’s authorization of torture, Mr. Little declined to comment on the remarks attributed to CIA counterterrorism lawyer Jonathan Fredman who said in a meeting of top Army interrogators in 2002 that torture is “basically subject to perception.” “The far more important point,” said Little, “is the fact that CIA’s terrorist interrogation program has operated on the basis of measured, detailed legal guidance from the Department of Justice.” Here is where he starts acting! “The agency program, which has been carefully reviewed within our government, has disrupted terrorist plots and saved innocent lives.”
  • Former Navy secretary and 9/11 Commission member John Lehman. Lehman was acting for the benefit of John McCain. He said that saying that submitting the World Trade Center bombers of ’93 to the criminal justice system was “a material cause” of the 9/11/01 attacks. As The Washington Post reports “the report of the 9/11 Commission, which investigated intelligence failures leading to the 2001 strikes, and the prosecutor of the 1993 case disagreed with Lehman’s version of history. The commission’s final report, which Lehman endorsed as a member of the panel, gives no indication that any failure to share information on the bombing with the intelligence community had ‘significance for the story of 9/11.’ … Grand jury secrecy ‘could have operated in these cases as a barrier to information flowing from law enforcement to intelligence,’ former U.S. attorney Mary Jo White, who successfully prosecuted six major terrorism cases including the 1993 bombing, said Tuesday. But, she added, ‘as a matter of fact it did not.'”
  • Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilley. O’Reilley’s carefully scripted and factually perverse “no spin zone” is so thoroughly theater, everything he does is worth an academy award.

For a d-bag acting isn’t just a profession or an amateur hobby — it’s a way of life.

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I bet you’ve noticed how d-bags like to brag about how they got rich, or plan to get rich, or got rich three generations ago. But money isn’t everything — even to a d-bag.

It’s not about winning and losing (always win, by any means necessary); it’s about how you play the game. Just being rich is no fun for a d-bag. In fact, just being rich might make you a liberal! There is an everybody way to make money, and then there is the d-bag way to make money.

The everybody way is for pussies: Go to school, work hard, play fair, treat others with respect as you would have them treat you.

The d-bag way, as exemplified by war profiteers like Dick “Master D-bag of the Universe” Cheney, is way cooler. Get a job running an oil company in Texas from a man you despise; use his son as a puppet to promote your own political ambitions; start an unprovoked war by lying to the world; vigorously advocate the most radical d-bag philosophy of governmental power; use that power to award no-bid contracts to the company that is still cutting you paychecks; then sit back and laugh at the suckers who thought playing by the rules would make them rich.

But a d-bag is always looking for some icing on the cake into which he can jam his stubby little fingers, and here it is (as reported in the White People Times): “Charles M. Smith, the Army official who managed the Pentagon’s largest contract in Iraq says he was ousted from his job when he refused to approve paying more than $1 billion in questionable charges to KBR, the Houston-based company and former subsidiary of Haliburton that has provided food, housing and other services to American troops.”

“Mr. Smith began warning KBR that he would withhold payments and performance bonuses until the company provided the Army with adequate data to justify the expenses. The bonuses [a. k. a. “kickbacks”] — worth up to 2 percent of the value of the work — had to be approved by special boards of Army officials, and Mr. Smith made it clear that he would not set up the boards without the information.”

“Mr. Smith also told KBR that, until the information was received, he would withhold 15 percent of all payments on its future work in Iraq. ‘KBR really did not like that, and they told me they were going to fight it,’ Mr. Smith recalled.”

“In August 2004, he told one of his deputies, Mary Beth Watkins, to hand deliver a letter about the threatened penalties to a KBR official visiting Rock Island. A day later, Mr. Smith discovered that he had been replaced when he went to a meeting with KBR officials and found a colleague there in his place.”

“Soon after Mr. Smith was replaced, the Army hired a contractor, RCI Holding Corporation, to review KBR’s costs. “They came up with estimates, using very weak data from KBR,” Mr. Smith said. “They ignored D.C.A.A.’s auditors,” he said, referring to the Defense Contract Audit Agency.”

“Paul Heagen, a spokesman for RCI’s parent company, the Serco Group, said his firm had insisted on working with the Army auditors. While KBR did not provide all of the data Mr. Smith had been seeking, Mr. Heagen said his company had used “best practices” and sound methodology to determine KBR’s costs.”

“Bob Bauman, a former Pentagon fraud investigator and contracting expert, said that was unusual. ‘I have never seen a contractor given that position, of estimating costs and scrubbing D.C.A.A.’s numbers,’ he said. ‘I believe they are treading on dangerous ground.’”

“The Army also convened boards that awarded KBR high performance bonuses, according to Mr. Smith.”

“High grades on its work in Iraq also allowed KBR to win more work from the Pentagon, and this spring, KBR was awarded a share in the new 10-year contract. The Army also announced that Serco, RCI’s parent, will help oversee the Army’s new contract with KBR.

“’In the end,’ Mr. Smith said, ‘KBR got what it wanted.’”

Be a d-bag! Subvert the government and enrich yourself at taxpayers’ expense by making bald-faced lies right out in the open! Challenge the pussies in Congress to impeach you! If you’re a real d-bag you won’t do anything less.

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What do d-bags love more than Falcon Crest?

Dynasty.

We’re not talkin’ Kennedys and Kerrys here, we’re talking Bush. D-bags looooove Bush. Why?

Most people like to think America was founded by Puritans: God-fearing, hard workers who earned every penny they made. These guys were so pure and good they didn’t even pass their wealth to their kids when they died, they gave it all to the church or Harvard’s endowment so their kids would have to make every penny too. Most of the d-bag ranting that gladdens the hearts of talk-radio ditto heads across the land relies on this myth as the foundation of its self-righteous rage. Government is bad because wicked spendthrift patricians like Franklin D. Roosevelt want to take away the money we made the old fashioned way — through work and self-sacrifice — and give it to the morally reprobate, the welfare queens and pimps who want nothing more than to get one over on honest folks, the lazy “bums” who only want “loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to shit” (to borrow a phrase from Earl Butz).

But this is only half the story, and to a d-bag the uninteresting half. Having someone to hate, and seeing yourself as the persecuted little man is unquestionably key to a d-bag’s sense of self; however, there is beneath that pose a more powerful myth that attracts d-bags’ reverent awe. In the 80s Joan Collins and Larry Hagman played two mythical archetypes of aristocratic America. Alexis Carrington and J. R. Ewing represented everything a d-bag could love. They were landed gentry: their wealth literally came out of the Earth that they owned and controlled like feudal lords; they were vain, proud, arrogant and cruel, and their wealth protected them from reprisal; and they were visibly rich — one look at Joan Collins as Alexis, and you knew she was money. She could roll out of bed at five in the afternoon after sleeping off a night of champagne, cocaine, and sex with her gardener Dwayne and still reek of glamor. Her every gesture screams “I deserve it.” And because they never had to work for anything they could be as ignorant, uneducated, and anti-intellectual as they pleased.

During the 80s this was still, as yet, a d-bag fantasy, an almost illicit wet dream of what every d-bag wanted but couldn’t have. During the 80s the patricians were still up-East liberals who wanted to tax and spend, folks like Kennedy and Kerry and even Poppy Bush. The d-bag culture heroes were more along the Puritan line: self-made men like Nixon and Reagan who truly came from nothing to the highest office in the land. Fortunately privilege and ignorance were married in the happy person of George W. Bush. For the first time at the turn of the 21st century you could be a d-bag and have it all. And now, thanks to the efforts of dynastic d-bags, you can leave it all to your kids.

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