Posted in Uncategorized, tagged Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Conservative, Hate Crime, Humor, Hypocrisy, Liberal, Politics, religion, Republican, Rush Limbaugh, Satire, Sean Hannity, Stuff White D-bags Like, Stuff White People Like, Talk Radio on August 1, 2008|
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It has been thoroughly established on this blog that d-bags are that race of people who will populate the eighth circle of Hell. They are the hypocrites, the seducers and panderers, the preachers of virtue who are themselves cesspools of depravity. They are the smug, self-righteous, selfish, and proud who feel that they are beyond the law but not beyond slandering others as lawbreakers. They seek advantage through unfair means and cry foul play when they lose to a superior opponent. They are the boastful, the braggarts, the blowhards and cowards, who prefer to use words rather than fists, but who are always spoiling for a fight.
When they do engage a fight, it’s either a suicide mission or a fight with someone weaker who they think will lose their nerve before the battle begins. In the last week there have been no less than three examples of what American d-baggery — promoted by Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter — has done to our national moral fabric.
Bruce E. Ivins worked for the past 18 years at the government’s biodefense labs at Fort Detrick, Md. Today he committed suicide rather than go to court for the charge of sending anthrax in envelopes to terrorist targets that killed five people. Mr. Ivins was the recipient of the 2003 Decoration for Exceptional Civilian Service. Though some think he may have sent out the pathogen to test a vaccine he was working on, Satan knows the truth: He wanted to justify the Bush administration’s war on terror by making it seem as though American was under attack.
Anthony Hopkins (no relation to the actor) is a preacher in Mobile, Alabama who has been arrested for murdering his wife, cutting up her corpse and stuffing it in a freezer. The police were tipped off to the crime by his 19 year-old daughter, who he is accused of sodomizing. Hopkins was arrested at a Christian revival preaching the word of Jesus to the congregation of believers.
Jim David Adkisson is the ripe, evil fruit of the d-baggery that has become so popular in the last 40 years. Mr. Askisson took a sawed-off shotgun in a church on July 27th, 2008 and shot seven people in cold blood. He wrote a note that he left in his car explaining his actions. (The note has yet to be released to the public.) Knoxville Police Department Investigator Steve Still wrote in a warrant to search Adkisson’s house that Adkisson went on a rampage at the church, “because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country’s hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of major media outlets.”
As Knoxnews.com reports, “Still seized three books from Adkisson’s home, including ‘The O’Reilly Factor,’ by television commentator Bill O’Reilly; ‘Liberalism is a Mental Disorder,’ by radio personality Michael Savage; and ‘Let Freedom Ring,’ by political pundit Sean Hannity.”
Who is the biggest d-bag in the world today? We report, you decide.
Bang, bang you're dead!
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Does this guy look like he’s your grandfather telling you to go to the woodshed and pick out a strong, green hickory switch that he will use to beat your ass? Or is this the face of the headmaster at an orphanage who “punishes” unruly children in the privacy of his office with the shades drawn and the door locked?
Either way, Donald Rumsfeld is a paragon of d-baggery in American history. If there were a shelf for fine, barrel-aged, smoke-cured d-bags, he would be on top. More than Robert McNamara, Rumsfeld’s predecessor in short-sighted, know-it-all militarist d-baggery, Rumsfeld brought the ignorance and the arrogance of power to new heights within the framework of all-American, apple pie eating ideology.
Rumsfeld’s main accomplishment is the Rumsfeld Doctrine, a perfect synthesis of d-bag philosophies that assures American presidents who want to wage foreign wars but on the cheap that they can have their cake and eat it too. “I deserve it” + “paying for it is someone else’s problem” = Rumsfeld Doctrine. This is also the basis of the business practice of generating “externalities” — that is, costs of maintaining capital or labor that someone else has to pay, preferably the public.
For being the sufficient and necessary cause of millions of dead men and women at absolutely no cost to himself or his conscience, we enroll Donald Rumsfeld in the Dictionary of National D-bags!
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Posted in Uncategorized, tagged Abu Grahib, Bush, Conservative, FISA, Guantanamo Bay, Humor, Imperial Presidency, John Yoo, Kinky sex, Liberal, Politics, Presidential Powers, Sadism, Satire, Sovereignty, Stuff White People Like, Telecom Immunity, Torture, Unitary Executive, Wiretapping on July 10, 2008|
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Our latest installment in the Dictionary of National D-bags is John Yoo, perhaps the greatest d-bag of the early 21st century.
Yoo is an Ivy educated d-bag, graduating with a BA from Harvard and a JD from Yale. But because he is “off-white” he is acceptable to white d-bags as a poster boy for Horatio Alger-style luck and pluck. Like his mentor Clarence Thomas, Yoo had all the benefits of American society but none of the guilt. This happy situation has allowed him to be the purest voice of d-bag advocacy in the United States today.
You may know Yoo for his controversial opinions on the power of the U. S. government, including his opinion that the president has the right, if not the obligation, to spy on American citizens during a time of war. (This is extremely relevant today in light of the Senate’s passage of a bill to immunize telecoms who broke the law and protect the Bush administration from people finding out exactly how far they peered into our lives. Bush “relishes” signing it.) Or maybe you know Yoo for his “torture memos” that argued the state has the power to inflict whatever pain short of death it thinks necessary on captives. These things certainly make Yoo a tyrant and a monster — but not a d-bag! Monsters are capable of integrity; d-bags think integrity is for pussies.
D-bags say they deserve to be exempt from rules that everyone else has to follow — like keeping your contracts, honoring your promises, and believing in fair play. That is why when Yoo’s man is president he says things like, “To his critics, Mr. Bush is a ‘King George’ bent on an ‘imperial presidency.’ But the inescapable fact is that war shifts power to the branch most responsible for its waging: the executive.”
But when Yoo’s man is not president he argues the exact opposite in a tone of principled integrity: “President Clinton exercised the powers of the imperial presidency to the utmost in the area in which those powers are already at their height — in our dealings with foreign nations. Unfortunately, the record of the administration has not been a happy one, in light of its costs to the Constitution and the American legal system. On a series of different international relations matters, such as war, international institutions, and treaties, President Clinton has accelerated the disturbing trends in foreign policy that undermine notions of democratic accountability and respect for the rule of law.”
You might say he’s just being a lawyer, but even lawyers can once in a while show integrity. Rather, he is the intellectual prince of d-bags, telling bald-faced lies and willfully perverting truth to justify bad people in their bad behavior. And for that John Yoo is today’s honored entry in the Dictionary of National D-bags!
NOTE TO LIBERTARIAN D-BAGS: People who think it’s OK for one party to break their promises to another party are probably the same people who will take your stuff and throw you in jail if you object.
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Posted in Uncategorized, tagged Conservative, Culture, Democrat, Humor, Journalism, Liberal, Politics, Republican, Satire, Stuff White People Like, Truth on June 27, 2008|
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Take a principled stand. You can always change your mind later.
What makes a d-bag special, different from other kinds of mortals, is their deep insight into Truth. It is because they say it’s so, and not because it corresponds to to any coherent set of facts. Sometimes this attitude is described as post-skeptical, or post-ironic. Sometimes it’s just post-rational.
David Brooks of the New York Times editorial page has changed his mind recently. He said in an op-ed piece today that the future of conservatism lies not in the country club, but in Sam’s club; or in non-d-bag terms, after winning the battle of ideas, lowering taxes and drastically widening the gulf of wealth between the conservative masters and their conservative lackeys, the lackeys are in revolt. The solution is to “rebrand” Republicans specifically and conservatism generally as friendly to the lackey. What one man calls updating the cause, another man might call finding a new way to pander to useful idiots.
Martin Crutsinger, a columnist for the Associate Press (a.k.a. the d-bag daily) has published a news item today with the triumphant headline “Economic stimulus payments send after-tax incomes soaring by largest amount in 33 years.” Because the AP isn’t ready to acquire the same reputation as Fox News, Curtsinger is compelled to add in the body of the piece the belief of economists that “the boost from the stimulus checks will be only temporary and once the checks are spent, the risks of the economy falling into a deep recession will increase.” But who reads an entire article these days? The headline is what shows up in news feeds on Yahoo and AOL, and that’s all a d-bag needs to know.
Here’s Chunque’s prediction. The economy will continue to “improve” (as will the “situation” in Iraq) until January, 2009. If Obama becomes president both the economy and Iraq will spontaneously and completely fall to pieces; however, if McCain takes over the reigns of government conditions will continue to improve until every Sam’s Club shopper can afford a McMansion on a ten acre plot with two hummers in the driveway.
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Don’t forget to check out more of your favorite douchebag’s antics at American Douchebag!
Like the dark lord of d-baggery, Rush Limbaugh has made a career of teaching Americans how to be complete and utter d-bags. To non-d-bags, Limbaugh is offensive in every possible way: he is a pompous college drop-out whose failure and inability to fit into any respectable profession left him fit only for talk radio, but his success in appealing the the basest hatreds and fears of his audience has enriched him while impoverishing the national spirit. He is liar and a scumbag in addition to being a d-bag, whose absolute misrepresentation of the truth is a badge of honor for him and his listeners.
Limbaugh’s crusade against intelligence and rational thought is legendary to American d-bags, who have given up every pretense of their God given gift of free thought by calling themselves “ditto-heads”. His pioneering anti-intellectualism is the cornerstone of contemporary d-bag philosophy. If you can’t learn it before you drop out of college it must be destroyed by the storm troopers of mediocrity!
Limbaugh’s mocking of the weak and vulnerable, those who have made bad life choices and those who ended up on the wrong side of the law is made more poignant in the hearts of American d-bags because Limbaugh is himself overweight, slovenly in body and mind, a drug addict, and displays an unmistakable, criminal mentality. He is proof that power comes not from virtue but from crass, material force.
Limbaugh has taught us that he, like we, deserve it, not out of merit, but just because we say so. If the proof is in the pudding, he shakes his bowl full of jelly and defies The Good to prove it differently.
For redefining what it means to be a snivelling, craven, hypocrite d-bag we salute Rush Limbaugh, the face of American d-baggery!
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Posted in Uncategorized, tagged Conservative, Culture, Democrat, Economics, Free Markets, Humor, Liberal, Neo-Liberalism, Politics, Republican, Satire, Stuff White People Like on June 25, 2008|
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Ask any d-bag — they’ll tell you that America is great because we have free markets and free markets make you free.
This is not the kind of simple categorical mistake the uneducated make when they assume that because a word reoccurs in two different contexts that it has the same meaning both times (e.g. that hamburgers are made from ham). Many of the most well educated d-bags are convinced that there is a direct correlation between free markets and freedom. In fact, two of the most well renowned economists in d-bag circles are Nobel laureates Friedrich Hayek and Milton Friedman both of whom argued that the only way to preserve political freedom is to guarantee free markets.
In the “reality-based” world, whose logic is different from d-bag logic, people are greedy and selfish, but occasionally touched by noble impulses to serve their community even if no benefit redounds back onto themselves. In this world there are many ways people express themselves in society. That includes their economic choices, but it is not limited to economics. They also participate in politics and occasionally in the arts. In the reality based world, freedom is more than the ability to choose between hoagies, grinders and subs; rather it is the ability to reflect on who you are and cultivate who you want to be.
In the d-bag world, nothing is done because it contributes to something greater than yourself; everything is done because it reflects and expands your personal power. For d-bags this is a zero-sum game. In addition to the free market mantra, derived and perverted from Adam Smith’s idea of enlightened self-interest that greed is good, d-bags add the maxim that envy is also good. That means if someone is doing better than you, and you can’t join them, beat them. (This is the root of many d-bag rants against “liberal elites.”) How does this effect “free” markets? In the first place it makes them impossible in the practical, “real world”. D-bags’ envy makes them secretly hate competition, especially by a smaller, weaker competitor. Their envy is tied into a veneration for power, and consequently you will notice d-bags are fond of monopolies and monopolistic practices (Wal*Mart), corporations, and gross displays of hubristic excess. but it gives ideological cover to government hating d-bags who would restrain activities in other areas of life (politics) from putting curbs on excessive behaviors. It’s a beautiful paradox: if you keep me from selling myself into slavery, you have taken away my freedom.
More to the point, free market fundamentalists confuse politics and economics on purpose so that an anti-democratic institution like the corporation can pretend (through myth and legal fiction) to be a free actor in a free market while denying its employees the freedom to also participate in markets or government (to take only one example by busting unions). Democratic institutions (like government) are not necessary for the functioning of corporations — just look at China. But free markets cannot exist, let alone function, without democratic government standing prior to it — not the other way around.
D-bags hate the farmers’ market, which is where beneficiaries of a free market might hang out, and which, ironically, is the nostalgic symbol of free markets for most free marketeers. Why? because it’s symbolic value of moderation and self-restraint, two virtues strenuously avoided by d-bags. But also because the farmers’ market is only made possible by the indulgence of governments (local and state) and consumers that protect them from unfair competition. Governments grant them space in public places, and consumers shop there from ethical impulses rather than purely economic ones. This is heresy to free market d-bags. Something that is not crassly self-interested must be punished by the state in the name of fair competition — in complete defiance of the creed of free markets. And aesthetic or political attitudes that do not reverence the authoritarianism that lurks behind the mask of “free market” ideology must be crushed.
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Posted in Uncategorized, tagged Charlie Black, Conservative, Democrat, Humor, Liberal, McCain, Politics, President, Republican, Satire on June 24, 2008|
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Charlie Black is a straight shooter. Maybe that’s how he earned $57,426,252 in fees while working as a lobbyist for BKSH and Associates. He’s also been central in John McCain’s campaign for POTUS. When McCain is president, Black will no doubt be made minister of the interior or some other such post of influence and authority.
Black made some waves in yesterday’s 24 hour news cycle when it was revealed in an interview that he said that another terrorist attack would be a great help to McCain’s chances of getting elected. That’s what makes Charlie a great d-bag in the mold of William Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney: he’s not afraid to say something un-PC that also happens to be true.
For example, he says with his lobbying business “money is power and power is the most important thing in the world”; or perhaps he says with John Yoo “ethics and the rule of law are weak men’s argument against the powerful”; or maybe he will tell the national press “wouldn’t it be nice if our ‘enemies’ could get their shit together and attack us so we do away with courts and habeas corpus?” To be able to say these things in public, things that must necessarily be offensive to anyone who loves their freedom, and to say them with a smirk that implies “the laws are mine,” is what every d-bag dreams of.
For carrying the torch of d-baggery into the 21st century, we salute Charlie Black!
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