Posts Tagged ‘Racism’

Who is Christian Lander? He is the the reason for the rant, the hero of American d-baggery in 2008, a beacon to those feeling lost in a sea of Obamamania.

Most commentators in the press incorrectly tag Lander (or as I affectionately call him, Chandler) as a satirist. Satire (as opposed to, say, polemic) seeks to correct people’s vices and follies by getting them to laugh at themselves. You might think that Lander’s send-up of “white people” practices like worrying whether or not a couple is compatible based on shared literary tastes, or gathering socially to play “kids games” is proof that he is writing satires of people who have more money than sense. Making fun of rich people who are socially awkward has a long and venerable tradition reaching back to ancient times. From Mennipius to Juvenal, to Dryden and Swift, to The Onion, making fun of people who confuse their wealth with their personal worth has an honored place in our culture. If he were a satirist it would make him a traditional moral conservative, someone who believes that foudational values like modesty, charity, honesty, justice, temperance, patience, courage and fortitude are being corrupted by selfishness, laziness, smug complacency, and a falsely inflated sense of self-worth (also known as pride).

But is Lander a moral conservative? No. He is a movement conservative. What’s the difference?

Where true social conservatives decry deteriorating morals, movement conservatives in the past half century have reconceptualized values (making them “values”) in an attempt to fuse free-market ideology with more traditional d-bag philosophy. Then they give it ideological cover by claiming their greed, fear, and pride is really thrift, prudence, and pluck. By making greed a virtue and power an end in itself they reject traditional conservatism for a revolutionary critique of traditional morals. Being modest, kind, honest, just and temperate becomes a sign of weakness. Being skeptical is spun as indecision and lack of spine. They gave up dispassionate critical thinking for revolutionary zeal. When moral conservatives became movement conservatives they morphed into the very thing they used to hate.

Lander himself is a paradigm of this kind of d-baggery. Leaving the sangfroid of his native Canada for greener ideological pastures in the United States, Lander found himself in a graduate program in English at Indiana University. There he realized his intellectual gifts were modest at best, and being a movement conservative he considered this someone else’s fault. (Conservatives are big on self-reliance — in others.) Having more sense than some other disaffected d-bags (VA Tech, etc.) he decided not to invest in AKs and Glocks, but rather to invest in a menial, low-paying job in Southern California, one that gave him enough free time to pursue his interests: fantasy football, getting turned down by girls, eating Taco Bell, blogging, and being a complete douche. The anti-intellectualism of his writing is covered with the emotional scars of being too dumb to compete with smart people.

It was easy for Lander to find a voice for his d-baggery: It was developed for him by his spiritual forebears from Irving Kristol to David Brooks. And it didn’t hurt that his sullen, resentful temperament and self-loathing alienation resonate with d-bags all over the English speaking world, who think they are twice as smart as they are and three times smarter than everyone else. Being vicious, voyeuristic and smugly superior to the culture that produced you is de rigueur for d-bags, so Lander only had to speak from the heart to express the Britney/Paris, reality TV, fake-tits-and-porn, post-racial, globalized worldview and its critique of “inauthentic” (i.e. European high) culture.

But the key to his success with Stuff White People Like is the fact that Chandler does not identify as “white” — though his skin tone appears to say otherwise. Being a fan of power for its own sake and worshipping in the Cult of Masculinity (that is, loving anything corporate no matter how bad it is, thinking war is fun, and idolizing sports figures as heroes though they may be the biggest sociopaths on earth) is a trait common to all d-bags from all races and nations. But it’s the hypocrisy of pride endemic to people who believe they come from an ancient and venerable people but who have in fact been colonized and treated as outsiders for so long that they are self-loathing that separates the movement conservative from your average knuckle-dragging jerk. Who are these people? In the United States, these are off-white d-bags: Asians (Chinese especially, but also Filipinos, Koreans), Jews, Indians (from India — not “Native Americans”) — basically anyone who comes from a place where England planted a colony.

Racist discourse (like fascist discourse) relies on myths of purity, authenticity, and priority. “White” Americans are not just rich and foolish, their culture isn’t as old or pure as the cultures of off-white d-bags.  “White” Americans don’t know if they come from a colonizing people (didn’t the Germans rape the Congo?) and therefore they repudiate their past, which makes them posterior and inauthentic. And worst of all in the eyes of a d-bag, they still have the power — the skin privileges — their colonizing forebears worked so hard to bequeath them, but they just don’t seem to appreciate it. And this, in a d-bag’s eyes, is the greatest sin imaginable, because a d-bag wants that power so badly they can taste it, but they still don’t feel like they have it. And so a d-bag like Chandler will do everything in his power to belittle those more powerful than himself, but not from a noble impulse to correct human vices. Chandler is really just a hater.

Why is Chandler’s racism particularly dangerous in 2008? As Charles Blow points out, racism is very much alive in the minds of voters this year. Stuff White People Like tells us if you are non-white you have the right to be as racist, intolerant, and supremacist as any conservative WASP redneck shooting up churches in Tennessee. It’s time to call a shvartser a shvartser. Chandler is telling you it’s OK to hate your enemies based on the color of their skin — especially if they’re “white”.


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(Michelle Malkin)

It should be obvious by now that d-baggery is an American version of an authoritarian nationalist political ideology. D-baggery rails against cultural decline and decadence, and it seeks to achieve a national rebirth by exalting our great nation (and race!). D-baggery advocates unity, strength and purity both in the spirit and in the flesh. It is the unshakable belief in a strong masculine authority — a father, a leader, a Dark Lord — who must remain beyond the reproach of his children, beyond restraint, able to do whatever is necessary at any time and employ His awesome power in whatever way He sees fit, to destroy the enemy and ensure that our traditional life is renewed. He is, of course, a blond beast, one whose fair complexion shows his natural, physical superiority over the degenerate races who were rightfully conquered by our d-bag forbears and put to work making the bricks that compose our national monuments.

D-baggery is much more than just a political ideology though! It is also a lifestyle. It is a worldview. It even comes with its own science. When it looked like d-baggery was on the run in Europe after the end of the Second World War, and when it looked like Soviet era d-baggery was through with the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, American d-bags rose to the challenge to resurrect d-baggery using the cast-off scraps from decolonized third world countries like the Philippines, Iraq, Ireland, and Canada. At the end of the Twentieth Century, d-baggery achieved what it had been incapable of achieving in Italy, Germany, Spain or Japan in the 1930s: a coalition of genocidal, racist, sexist, homophobic — heterophobic! — revolutionaries who are the very thing they despise! Isn’t it wonderful?

Part of the d-bag lifestyle is the mantra, “I deserve it.” Of course, the unspoken correlative to the mantra is, “and I’m going to take it from you.” Because that’s where being a d-bag becomes fun! D-bags understand law, right, and justice to be concepts affected by gravity: the bigger the social object is (e.g. Rush Limbaugh or Scooter Libby) the more the law protects their rights like a force field and the less power justice has to punish. For example, when the poor and powerless shoot heroin they are criminal scum who deserve nothing short of life imprisonment or execution, but when Rush scams fifteen doctors to get his fix of OxyContin — hillbilly heroin — he can have the case dismissed and his reputation vouched for by all his upstanding d-bag friends. Government does not have the right to tell you what kind of car you can drive, but it is obligated to provide you with cheap gas — even if that means prosecuting an unprovoked war. Scooter Libby, following in the venerable footsteps of Oliver North, not only is allowed to break the law, but is obligated to break the law as proof of his patriotism. This is what it means to be a d-bag: the privilege of doing what you accuse as criminal in others.

Though they would never admit it in polite company, d-bags love irony. And the fact that some of the biggest defenders of white, male supremacy should be neither white nor male is an irony that warms the fires of hate in a d-bag’s heart — even during the cold winter of peace and prosperity.

Bang, bang you're dead!

Bang, bang you're dead!

So when a strong woman calls another woman a slut, a bitch or a whore; when a black man calls another black man a nigger, and a cotton-headed coon then berates him for laziness; when an Asian woman calls herself a slant-eyed, slope, zipper-head and a gook, d-bags around the world raise a cheer. These are off-white d-bags. The irony is they are the beneficiaries of the liberal, uplift, social justice ideology they hate. Most off-white d-bags received special privileges unavailable to other people with whom they might be expected to identify. Clarence Thomas got into Yale through affirmative action; Ann Coulter can vote; and the Neo-Cons, denied entrance to the Ivy League were accepted to City College CUNY — a truly liberal liberal arts institution. But now that they got theirs, they are more than happy to deny the privilege to the new generation of the needy.

Can Filipinos be d-bags? Sure! Can Jews be d-bags? Absolutely. Anyone who thinks God gave them the right to dispossess another human being of his property, liberty, and life without the due process of law or ethical feelings (do to others as you would be done to) is a fundamental d-bag. But because d-baggery is a belief that might makes right, combined with the perverse satisfaction of using fraud and guile to pretend to might without actually having to work for it, off-white d-bags are paradoxically the paragons of d-baggery. They are ideological cover for the continued degradation of ethics, honesty, justice, and morality by the purveyors of hatred, fear, intolerance and perfidy.

Does this come as a shock? Is it surprising that human beings of all backgrounds might want to obliterate any history of oppression and inferiority that clings to their people or themselves? Not at all. Is it a surprise that men and women want to be able to determine their futures and chose their own fates? No. Is it hypocrisy beyond wickedness that a former revolutionary who wants to ameliorate the condition of his people would, when the battle is won, become a more intolerable tyrant the the one he deposed? Yes. But to be a quintessential d-bag, he must also publish the old lie that some citizens are more equal than others, and that war is peace.

 And here we see the terrible utility of off-white d-bags to the cause of authoritarianism: Off-white d-bags prove that tolerance and forgiveness can be shamefully manipulated by the unscrupulous who make a valid claim on our conscience for reciprocity that they have no intention of honoring.

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What do d-bags love more than Falcon Crest?


We’re not talkin’ Kennedys and Kerrys here, we’re talking Bush. D-bags looooove Bush. Why?

Most people like to think America was founded by Puritans: God-fearing, hard workers who earned every penny they made. These guys were so pure and good they didn’t even pass their wealth to their kids when they died, they gave it all to the church or Harvard’s endowment so their kids would have to make every penny too. Most of the d-bag ranting that gladdens the hearts of talk-radio ditto heads across the land relies on this myth as the foundation of its self-righteous rage. Government is bad because wicked spendthrift patricians like Franklin D. Roosevelt want to take away the money we made the old fashioned way — through work and self-sacrifice — and give it to the morally reprobate, the welfare queens and pimps who want nothing more than to get one over on honest folks, the lazy “bums” who only want “loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to shit” (to borrow a phrase from Earl Butz).

But this is only half the story, and to a d-bag the uninteresting half. Having someone to hate, and seeing yourself as the persecuted little man is unquestionably key to a d-bag’s sense of self; however, there is beneath that pose a more powerful myth that attracts d-bags’ reverent awe. In the 80s Joan Collins and Larry Hagman played two mythical archetypes of aristocratic America. Alexis Carrington and J. R. Ewing represented everything a d-bag could love. They were landed gentry: their wealth literally came out of the Earth that they owned and controlled like feudal lords; they were vain, proud, arrogant and cruel, and their wealth protected them from reprisal; and they were visibly rich — one look at Joan Collins as Alexis, and you knew she was money. She could roll out of bed at five in the afternoon after sleeping off a night of champagne, cocaine, and sex with her gardener Dwayne and still reek of glamor. Her every gesture screams “I deserve it.” And because they never had to work for anything they could be as ignorant, uneducated, and anti-intellectual as they pleased.

During the 80s this was still, as yet, a d-bag fantasy, an almost illicit wet dream of what every d-bag wanted but couldn’t have. During the 80s the patricians were still up-East liberals who wanted to tax and spend, folks like Kennedy and Kerry and even Poppy Bush. The d-bag culture heroes were more along the Puritan line: self-made men like Nixon and Reagan who truly came from nothing to the highest office in the land. Fortunately privilege and ignorance were married in the happy person of George W. Bush. For the first time at the turn of the 21st century you could be a d-bag and have it all. And now, thanks to the efforts of dynastic d-bags, you can leave it all to your kids.

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To be successful a d-bag needs to demonstrate power without having to continually prove it. Sometimes this means establishing a reputation for violence and unpredictability and occasionally finding some pussy-ass sucker at an appropriate moment to show your pals you’re not losing it.

Whadda you lookin\' at? This is the type of d-bag played by Joe Pesci in most of Martin Scorsese’s movies. D-bags want to recognize this type as the paradigm of d-baggery, because this person is legitimately scary (and unquestionably a d-bag). If, however, we analyze the population of d-bags, a different picture emerges from the data. The evidence suggests that many d-bags are not completely liberated from their fear of reprisal, though this is in the mind of a d-bag a sign that one is a pussy. What’s the point of being a d-bag if have to care what other people think? But unfortunately for d-bags society at large still seeks to marginalize or neutralize these individuals, either through social ostracization, imprisonment or death. It is evident then that the “Tommy Devito” d-bag is a myth rather than commonly occuring type.

Why does the space between the myth of violence and the reality of fear of reprisal not cause cognitive dissonance that might adversely affect a d-bag’s self-image? In the first place, the Tommy Devito myth allows a d-bag to imagine (pretend?) that if they were in a similar situation they too could command the ruthless violence and cool disdain for others characteristic of a “gangsta” even though this is far from the truth. In the second place, this myth is a piece of cultural work that allows d-bags to shape perceptions of themselves without having to offer proof. All the proof they need is in the movies and on TV. Wear the right clothes (bling), use the right terminology, smoke the right cigars, and you have acquired sufficient proof of belonging to the club of d-bags whose violence hangs like acrid smoke over the rest of human society.

D-bags are so often used to getting what they want without having to prove they are violent (because it has been proven in a thousand cultural productions) that they sometimes forget themselves and make a revealing blunder, which can lead to ostracization. For example, Mike Huckabee’s recent joke about Barak Obama being assassinated. Ditto Hillary Clinton. Sadly, the lesson a d-bag might take away from these blunders — don’t make threats or promises you can’t keep — runs counter to the very core philosophy of d-baggery. If “I deserve it”, I shouldn’t have to work for it. And backing up thinly veiled threats of violence with real strength requires work.

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(CNN) – During a speech before the National Rifle Association convention Friday afternoon in Louisville, Kentucky, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee — who has endorsed presumptive GOP nominee John McCain — joked that an unexpected offstage noise was Democrat Barack Obama looking to avoid a gunman.

“That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he’s getting ready to speak,” said the former Arkansas governor, to audience laughter. “Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.”

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It’s a presidential election year, and to d-bags that means party time!!! Our featured d-bag for today is Mike Norman, a sixty-three-year-old d-bag from Marietta, Georgia — a little town just outside of Atlanta.

As the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports, “The T-shirts are being peddled by … Norman at his Mulligan’s Bar and Grill in Cobb County. They show a picture of Curious Georgie peeling a banana, with the words ‘Obama ’08’ underneath.”

Whereas some, notably white people, are offended by by this and are protesting, Mike’s defenders make clear that he is only a d-bag, which is not only not a crime — it’s a positive asset! Notice in the following excerpt from the AJC article how d-baggery is portrayed and valorized. Here are some clues:

  • Being a d-bag is an honest response to Obama, as opposed to racially sensitive whites who are false and dishonest.
  • D-bags are “real” because they engage in dangerous and callousing activities — like smoking — that test their stamina and masculinity.
  • D-bags are sweet parents who take care of their families by teaching them core values — like degrading others as a means of improving one’s own self-image.
  • D-bags have been granted the right to inflame hatred and pick fights, either by Nature or God.
  • D-bags love tools — maybe because they resemble them.

“But his [i.e. Norman’s] defenders are just as resolute [as his detractors]. Mulligan’s is a refuge, they say, in an otherwise hypersensitive world. Smoking isn’t only allowed at the bar, it’s expected.

“‘This place is a diamond in the rough,’ said Gene McKinley, a Woodstock engineer among the patrons Tuesday. ‘People here are genuine and honest. It’s the one place I can go without having to worry if I’m offending someone.'”

“He said he noted physical similarities between the Democratic front runner and the cartoon monkey while watching a Curious George movie with his grandchildren.

“The Tennessee native said he’s providing a public service of sorts, reminding people they have a right to offend.”

“‘This is my marketing tool,’ he said.”

Congratulations Mike, you are our d-bag of the day!

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Off-white d-bags prefer Florida and Southern California; for true-blue d-bags, it’s West Virginia.

(I’m not kidding about the “blue” part neither.)

From the news wires: “Clinton’s largest margins, as expected, were registered among voters at the lower end of the socioeconomic ladder. Among white voters without a college degree, Clinton defeated Obama by 50 points. Among white voters making less than $30,000 a year, Clinton’s margin of victory was more than 60 points.”

According to the surveys of West Virginia voters, about 95 percent of Democratic primary voters were white, about 70 percent did not graduate college, and about 55 percent had household incomes under $50,000.”

Though we want to open up the big tent of d-baggery to all races, West Virginia is a reminder that a d-bag’s strong resistance to the multi-racial, multi-culturalism of other white people precludes off-whites from getting a free pass to be a d-bag. As I have said before, we d-bags aren’t racists — we hate everyone equally. That’s why Mike Norman, a bar owner and d-bag from Georgia says, “the T-shirts he’s peddling, featuring a look-a-like of cartoon chimp Curious George peeling a banana, with ‘Obama in ’08’ underneath, are not meant to offend. Norman acknowledged the imagery’s Jim Crow roots but said he sees nothing wrong with depicting a prominent African-American as a monkey.”

(More on d-bag hero Mike Norman soon!)

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