Posts Tagged ‘religion’

This here is mah last post.

Though Stuff White D-bags Like hasn’t been nearly as successful as its hero Stuff White People Like, I will flatter myself by saying that long after Christian Lander has become a footnote in a Wikipedia entry of the 22nd century, your humble Chunque will be revealed as the most insightful social critic of the Silver Age of American empire.

Over the last five months and the course of one hundred posts, I came to learn a little about myself and a lot about American d-baggery. What follows is the accumulated wisdom of that journey, search, and trial.

I was born into a typical American family of d-bags: My people are mid-Westerners, petite bourgeoisie, and low-grade professionals. Our family business has been in operation for four generations. My father was a lawyer. Me and my siblings got late model cars when we turned 16, took road trips, engaged in recreational intoxication, saluted the flag on the fourth of July, got some college (or maybe all of it), got a job, got a spouse and some kids, got a mortgage, had aspirations to move someplace cool, but settled down to “real” life.

Those of us who saw more than half of the 70s thought we were post-political. To me, American greatness was a no-brainer. Reagan was right to make us feel good again after the shame of Vietnam and Watergate, even if he was a little crazy. Me and my friends, we weren’t religious, but we liked to think we were “spiritual”. We scoffed at religious crazies, new age crazies, ROTC crazies, and the Betas who (where I went to school) were rich date rapists.

When I got my first “real” job in late 90s, the world was my oyster. The internet made it possible to see more porn than I ever dreamed existed. We played the stock market a little, but not enough to get really burned. We were disgusted by Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky (in front of our girl friends and mothers), and we did what we could to scrape together enough money for a sweet ride, a nice place to live, and money to spend on drinking and trying to seduce women. (I was largely successful in that mission.) Most of my friends wanted to be upstanding members of the community, but with a drink in one hand and the other wrapped around the waist of a bubbly blond.

But that changed in 2001. I always kind of thought of myself as a conservative. I admit — the only time I ever voted was for George Bush 1 in 1992 (the first presidential election I was old enough to vote in). After that I thought politics was for losers or zealots — people who won’t change their mind and won’t change the subject. I thought rich people ruled the world, and that seemed OK, but that didn’t make them better than me. Maybe just a little more motivated, or maybe they came from money. It’s easy to be somebody when you come from money. George Bush is spoiled brat, but so is Al Gore. I had no love for either of them. Then the world trade centers fell in New York, and everyone went crazy.

I’m not against war, but it was obvious to me from day one that Saddam didn’t have WMDs. This is also a no-brainer: when a problem isn’t a problem until all the talking heads on TV are telling you all at once that death is near if you don’t let them do whatever they want, you’re getting bamboozled. I couldn’t believe that most of America had never tried to buy a car. If they had they’d know what a “hard sell” is, and they’d know why salesmen do it — to fleece you. I’m a conservative because I don’t like to get fleeced, and I couldn’t believe that so many people in America, the land that I love, called themselves conservative when they were really sheep, bleating to get fleeced — or wolves looking to fleece their fellow countrymen. And the wolves did it by appealing to the sheep’s worst natures. I started to rethink my own life, and I concluded that proudly being a d-bag, reveling in my ignorance, resenting people who were interested in the world outside our borders, and hating stuff I didn’t know because it made me feel insecure was the reason why the Bush/Cheney clusterfuck happened in the first place. What made me proud to be “conservative” was that being conservative meant being strong, but the way people who call themselves conservative act is to prey on the weak, pick on the helpless, and call it strength. That’s not conservative. That’s despicable.

And then a friend sent me a link to Stuff White People Like. I recognized Lander for what he was immediately: a Canadian Rush Limbaugh. A movement conservative. His writer’s persona is an effete, liberal snob, but that’s not who he is. He’s a hater who dropped out of grad school because he wasn’t smart enough to hack it. And he blames people who are smarter than himself for his failures. He is the latest and last symptom of our national moral and intellectual decline. I wouldn’t care if work like his hadn’t been part of the cultural movement that has impoverished us with a jingoistic war, made us hated around the world, and given China and Russia the opportunity to usurp us as the richest and most powerful nations on earth.

The basic argument of Stuff White People Like is that wanting to think smarter is snobbery. And thinking smarter is what made America strong and kept it that way. A secondary argument is that you can’t take “white people” (really political liberals) seriously, and sadly, that’s true. Because as the success of his site shows, liberals would rather let douche bags like Lander insult them then stand up for themselves and what they believe in. If you identify as a “white person” and you laughed at Stuff White People Like, you deserve four more years of Bush/Cheney, high gas prices, no medical coverage, a shitty, dead-end job as a corporate drone, and 15 second celebrities like Lander.


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It has been thoroughly established on this blog that d-bags are that race of people who will populate the eighth circle of Hell. They are the hypocrites, the seducers and panderers, the  preachers of virtue who are themselves cesspools of depravity. They are the smug, self-righteous, selfish, and proud who feel that they are beyond the law but not beyond slandering others as lawbreakers. They seek advantage through unfair means and cry foul play when they lose to a superior opponent. They are the boastful, the braggarts, the blowhards and cowards, who prefer to use words rather than fists, but who are always spoiling for a fight.

When they do engage a fight, it’s either a suicide mission or a fight with someone weaker who they think will lose their nerve before the battle begins. In the last week there have been no less than three examples of what American d-baggery — promoted by Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter — has done to our national moral fabric.

Bruce E. Ivins worked for the past 18 years at the government’s biodefense labs at Fort Detrick, Md. Today he committed suicide rather than go to court for the charge of sending anthrax in envelopes to terrorist targets that killed five people. Mr. Ivins was the recipient of the 2003 Decoration for Exceptional Civilian Service. Though some think he may have sent out the pathogen to test a vaccine he was working on, Satan knows the truth: He wanted to justify the Bush administration’s war on terror by making it seem as though American was under attack.

Anthony Hopkins (no relation to the actor) is a preacher in Mobile, Alabama who has been arrested for murdering his wife, cutting up her corpse and stuffing it in a freezer. The police were tipped off to the crime by his 19 year-old daughter, who he is accused of sodomizing. Hopkins was arrested at a Christian revival preaching the word of Jesus to the congregation of believers.

Jim David Adkisson is the ripe, evil fruit of the d-baggery that has become so popular in the last 40 years. Mr. Askisson took a sawed-off shotgun in a church on July 27th, 2008 and shot seven people in cold blood. He wrote a note that he left in his car explaining his actions. (The note has yet to be released to the public.) Knoxville Police Department Investigator Steve Still wrote in a warrant to search Adkisson’s house that Adkisson went on a rampage at the church, “because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country’s hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of major media outlets.”

As Knoxnews.com reports, “Still seized three books from Adkisson’s home, including ‘The O’Reilly Factor,’ by television commentator Bill O’Reilly; ‘Liberalism is a Mental Disorder,’ by radio personality Michael Savage; and ‘Let Freedom Ring,’ by political pundit Sean Hannity.”

Who is the biggest d-bag in the world today? We report, you decide.


Bang, bang you're dead!

Bang, bang you're dead!

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If you are ever invited to a d-bag’s house, you will probably hear the television in the background playing Fox News or maybe CNN. This is because d-bags live on a twenty-four hour news cycle. News, weather, sports, and commentary are the lifeblood that rushes through a d-bag’s veins. When in the car, the d-bag always has on the radio tuned to Fox if possible or any other A.M. equivalent. D-bags like to be up on current events. When a d-bag gets to work, he gets a cup of coffee, fires up his computer, and opens his web browser. He navigates to Fox News or CNN, or, also likely, to WordPress.com to see what other d-bags are ranting about today. If it’s a slow day for news he might check out some tags — sex, sexo, tits, porn, teen, Britney, Jospeh Fritzl, or “whitey“.

Top stories for d-bags include girls hit by lightning who win the lottery the next day, kid-friendly sex shops in New York City, and female interns planted by Democrats in the White House to seduce Bush into a Lewinsky-esque affair. For a d-bag truth is not nearly as important as plausibility, and for a d-bag plausibility comes not from common sense but from rumor. One curious effect of this phenomenon is the “echo effect” created by many d-bag news outlets. Facilitated by the twenty-four hour news cycle, d-bags will repeat a rumor or an implausible and blatant falsehood over and over again until it becomes true. This was the case for the war in Iraq (WMDs), John Kerry’s service in Vietnam, and most recently Scott McClellan’s early onset of senility.

The best way to influence the thinking of a d-bag is to set up a blog, use an avatar that looks like either a Baptist minister or a Muppet, and email your paranoid delusions every day to Matt Drudge, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and the Christian Broadcast Network. Pretty soon you will have convinced all other American d-bags that environmentalists hate freedom, political correctness only happens on the Left, and that Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ.

This set-up is beneficial for d-bags in two complimentary ways. First, it allows d-bags to avoid critical thinking, which is not only complicated and frustrating, it may also reveal to a d-bag the contradictions in his belief system leading to “cognitive dissonance”. Second, it allows a d-bag to think that he is, in fact, a critical thinker, when he has merely substituted denial for skepticism.

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A burqa is an enveloping outer garment worn by women in some Islamic traditions for the purpose of cloaking the entire body. It is worn over the usual daily clothing (often a long dress or a shalwar kameez) and removed when the woman returns to the sanctuary of the household (see purdah). But every American school child knows this. Burqas are the reason we invaded Afghanistan, right?

But not many school children know that we have burqas here in America too! The women pictured above are all wearing American burqas. Is it coincidence that they also live in a mountainous desert region — like the women of Afghanistan? Or if climate is not the culprit, could it have something to do with religious radicalism?

Don’t go thinking Muslims and Mormons have a lock-up on the American burqa market! Heavens no! Though Baptists and Seventh Day Adventists don’t require their burqas to be unadorned, they are just as intent that unmarried women must be covered up (just look at Bob Jones University’s dress code). The key difference is the liberal use of applique teddy bears, Jesus, and US soldiers on their burqas, er, sweaters.

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In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant’s gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participants. When the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero.

If understood through d-bag theory, zero-sum is the situation a d-bag wishes to bring about so that his absolute enjoyment is amplified by another’s absolute misery. In some cases (kinky sex) a d-bag will publicly vilify non-d-bags for immorality while secretly or openly practicing the crimes against which they preach. The “Abstinence” concept is a tool whereby some d-bags are able to enhance the pleasure of self-denial and masochistic punishment while impoverishing someone else by criminalizing their enjoyments.

In the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries temperance movement leader Carrie Nation (pictured above) advocated illegalizing alcohol as a way of getting Americans to abstain from “the destroyer of men’s souls.” To achieve this end, “alone or accompanied by hymn-singing women, she would march into a bar and sing and pray, while smashing bar fixtures and stock with a hatchet.” Mrs. Nation’s displays of self-righteous piety and ecstatic, religious joy and her total intolerance of moderates, liberals and people capable of having a drink without getting drunk made her a d-bag national hero. She indiscrimantly labeled her enemies “rum-soaked, whiskey-swilled, saturn-faced rummies,” and applauded the assination of President William McKinley in 1901 because she believed that he secretly drank alcohol and that drinkers always got what they deserved. (This line of thinking is typical in d-bags).

Libertarian d-bags will often plead divine right for certain absolute freedoms (freedom of conscience / worship) while demanding that the state impose legal sanction on the freedoms (drug use, sex, and reading books) of those not divinely inspired. An interesting video produced by Parents for Truth shows how d-bags understand this legal double standard. In the video a concerned parent claims that the state teaches newly pubescent children (particularly girls) that they should have hot sex in a shower. Concerned parents fight back, not only by telling their children that pre-marital sex is a moral abomination, and forcing the state to do so as well, but also by getting erect nipples at the thought that a health-Ed book exists that shows a woman how to have an orgasm.

The grand wizards of d-baggery understand that in a zero-sum situation d-bags must gain political power in the state in order to impose abstinence on others while enjoying privileged freedoms themselves. But separatist d-bags also claim freedom of conscience in order to engage in the pleasures of abstinence. While it is true that the Apostle Paul said, “It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7: 1-2), d-bag prophet Roulon Jeffs (pictured at right) said in order to avoid immorality and pre-marital sex, and in order to make sure that women are abstinent till marriage, all women should marry him at age twelve. This practice has been institutionalized by his son, Warren.

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Though a d-bag is firmly convinced that he deserves whatever special treatment sets him apart from others, sometimes the gross inequity and crass overreaching of a d-bag’s desires gets him into trouble. The first move a d-bag will make to wiggle out of his predicament is to project chutzpah. “It wasn’t me.” “What are you? Some kind of Islamofacist?” “‘Science’ has not conclusively proved that tobacco causes cancer.” But every so often a d-bag gets stuck holding the bag, and that’s when d-bags fall in love with the mea culpa.

 What exactly is a mea culpa? The origin of the expression is from a traditional prayer in the Mass of the Roman Catholic Church known as Confiteor (Latin for “I confess”), in which the individual recognizes his or her flaws before God. This use of the term is particularly relevant to religious d-bags like Jimmy Swaggart (pictured above) and Jim Bakker (at left) who practiced “classic” d-baggery of the sort used since the most ancient times to birddog rivals, bag bitches, and enrich themselves with gifts from the poor, all in the name of the one, true God. Being able to say you’re sorry, avoid punishment, and continue d-bagging is a wonderful proof of your d-bagging prowess. Most high profile d-bags have the mea culpa medal pinned on their chests (though notably Eliot Spitzer has yet to turn his mea culpa into d-bag gold by triumphantly returning to public office. This may be because he gave up d-baggery, but considering the source, I doubt it. Look for Spitzer in a councilman race near you in 2009!).

Though they were popular in the 1980s with the religious set, Ronald Reagan’s refusal to acknowledge any wrongdoing in the many criminal exploits of his administration (e. g. Iran-Contra,  HUD, S&L bailout) made mea culpas fall out of fashion as the 20th century drew to a close. It took an impeachment procedure to get Bill Clinton to admit he allowed Monica Lewinsky to fellate him, and with the ascension of the Bush dynasty in 2000, all the guiding stars of d-baggery were aligned to allow a George Bush to dare to dream d-bag big — on a bigger scale than ever before imagined. For almost a decade it seemed that d-bags would be able to assert their own truth, overwhelming contradictory evidence to the contrary, and never have to utter a mea culpa again. But, mutatis mutandis it appears that black is once again the new black and the mea culpa is back.

Guess who just came out with his very first mea culpa?! That’s right, the man who is making it OK for d-bags to say “I’m sorry” is SWDBL’s d-bag of the day Scott McClellan! MacClellan, in his tell-all new book “What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception,” says “I fell far short of living up to the kind of public servant I wanted to be,” and that some of his own words from the podium in the White House briefing room turned out to be “badly misguided.” (Too late for the four thousand plus soldiers dead!)

MacClellan writes, “The president had promised himself that he would accomplish what his father had failed to do by winning a second term in office, and that meant operating continually in campaign mode: never explaining, never apologizing, never retreating. Unfortunately, that strategy also had less justifiable repercussions: never reflecting, never reconsidering, never compromising. Especially not where Iraq was concerned.”

“A more self-confident executive would be willing to acknowledge failure, to trust people’s ability to forgive those who seek redemption for mistakes and show a readiness to change.”

Yeah sure, but not for a d-bag!

Karl Rove, once a master theorist of d-baggery, now an inside joke on Fox News, denied allegations he and Libby kept information from McClellan about Plame, in an attempt to blow back against McClellan’s initiative to rehabilitate the mea culpa. Rove said what was reported on Politico doesn’t sound like the McClellan he has known for years. Instead, Rove told FOX News’ “Hannity & Colmes” it sounded more like “a liberal blogger.” Will Rove be able to pull off another d-bag coup and convince Americans that McClellan’s body has been hollowed out by Liberal Islamofacists who have inserted a Liberal cyborg homunculus underneath McClellan’s skin? Maybe not, but you have to give it to Karl. He’s working overtime to keep the dream alive.


The d-bag machine keeps on churnin’ out the hits! The current spin on McClellan’s perfidy follows Rove’s sci-fi fantasy contention (mentioned above) that aliens have hollowed out Scott’s body and installed a liberal blogger underneath his skin. Ari Fleischer says he can not wait to hear Mr. McClellan talk about the book on television, “to see if there’s a written Scott and an oral Scott.” Trent Duffy, who worked as McClellan’s deputy for more than two years, said of the avid University of Texas sports fan: “Tomorrow maybe we’re going to learn he’s rooting for the Oklahoma Sooners.” “Here’s a man who owes his whole career to George W. Bush, and here he’s stabbing him in the back and no one knows why,” Duffy said. “He appears to be dancing on his political grave for cash.” If the Administration flacks are right, and this is just sour grapes for cash, McClellan’s mea culpa is in no way different from the public self-flagellations of “classic” d-bags like Swaggart and Bakker. If on the other hand McClellan is truly contrite (let’s not forget that, as a Times editorial says, “this is the same Scott McClellan who presumably had a big role in creating the White House’s communications strategy and joined in the ‘culture of deception’ with such zeal that we lost count of the times he ridiculed critics of the war and questioned their patriotism”) it is plausible that it took two years of de-programming for a d-bag to return to reason and good judgment. In which case this mea culpa might be sincere.


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As I have made clear in earlier posts (Thongs, Las Vegas, Tits, Negs, The Stalag, Britney, Josef Fritzl, Hot Cars, GGW, Juntas) d-bags loooooove kinky sex. To enjoy sex in itself is not unusual, as most of God’s creatures find pleasure in copulation. As the old song goes, “birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it.” Human beings, moreover, being more complex than fleas, bees, or even birds, have a more complex relationship with this most natural of acts, and that again is no cause for surprise or alarm. It is not remarkable that men and women feel love, anger, shame or even fear when engaging in sex, and that those feelings can heighten the pleasure — the thrill — of sex. It is also not remarkable that human beings, whose tastes are so varied in food, fashion, religious experience, etc., would have equally varied tastes in what pushes their erotic buttons. Pure empirical analysis of human culture and history make plain that there is nothing unusual (which is not to say taboo, immoral or wrong) with every conceivable kink from homosexuality to monk-like, self-flagellatory abstemiousness. Kinky sex makes the world go round.

For a d-bag kinky sex has a special significance. D-bags like to take the principle “I deserve it” to absurd lengths. They feel it releases them from the duty to act toward others as they would have others act towards them. Josef Fritzl is a paradigmatic example of this form of d-baggery. Not all d-bags have the inspiration or ability to lock their daughters in a dungeon and rape them for thirty years — but that is not to say Fritzl was unique! The Marc Dutroux affair in Belgium demonstrates that this extreme perversion is possibly wide spread, and perhaps even institutionalized by syndicated crime organizations. Nor is this unique to the modern age. The Marquis de Sade wrote in the 1700s in his fictional novel 120 Days of Sodom about a group of four powerful men who kidnap children (including their own daughters) and imprison them in a remote mountain castle where they ritually rape and eventually murder them. The men represent the four types of power in France in the eighteenth century: one is a duke (government), one is a judge (law), one is a banker (business), and one is a bishop (religion), but their types are clear and obvious to us today. One needs only think of Mark Foley and Ted Haggard to see that power secular and spiritual is still human and corruptible, and Sade’s point was that it is easier for the very powerful to commit crimes than for the poor and weak who are usually its victims.

As horrifying as these crimes are, they are not the end of the d-bag’s enjoyment of kinky sex. Though it may seem contrary to common sense, d-bags take this sort of sexual perversion even farther by reveling in the hypocrisy of denouncing others as sexual perverts. The true essence of “I deserve it” cannot be appreciated unless you can self-righteously punish someone else for your own crimes. Take TV talking head Bill O’Reilley for example. O’Reilley obviously gets inordinate pleasure of the kind normally associated with sexual perversion from publicly humiliating people on his show. It is a perfectly Sadean setup that allows O’Reilley to get his jollies by publicly calling into question the sexuality of his guests. O’Reilley controls the medium: he can cut off his interlocutors whenever he feels like it, call his guests perverts and sissies, and he always has the last word. His guests are merely passive faces who must suffer through his lascivious rants and insults until he excuses them to perdition, and they have no recourse to turn the megaphone around. Though it has never been proven that O’Reilley has committed pederasty, incest or rape, his show is a symbolic rape of of the powerless and shows O’Reilley is a d-bag who thinks he is above reproach. (Remember that O’Reilley has been accused of sexual harassment, and his accuser claimed that O’Reilly subjected her to repeated instances of open and explicit talk about phone sex, vibrators, threesomes, masturbation, the loss of his virginity, and sexual fantasies. The same principle is at work when convicted drug addict Rush Limbaugh rants against drug users.) The ultimate sexual perversion for these lords of d-baggery is to publicly accuse others of crimes they feel they can commit with impunity.

Is it any wonder that our media is saturated with hysteria over pedophilia and sex crimes when those who own and operate the media are themselves perverts? In three separate news items today, the 19th of May, 2008 Americans have been told that the Supreme Court has upheld a law that would make the mere insinuation of pedophilia a crime, that a 6-year-old son of polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs did not suffer physical or sexual abuse while living with his mother at the group’s Texas ranch (why is this news?), and that Amanda McNamee of Dickinson, N.D (pictured above) is watching over us (or rather, is watching over sex offenders) to protect us from perversion. The ambiguity of her stare from the New York Times web site is no accident either. As we surf through salacious stories of polygamist sects and lenient judges, drooling over secret details of a crime that O’Reilley mentions are unmentionable, we are told by her stare that “justice” sees guilty and innocent indiscriminantly, promiscuously mixed, that we are all already guilty, and that unless we join the shrill chorus of accusers, we will be a member of the accused.

In the end, d-bag philosophy asserts that there is no uninterested party. Either you are vehemently, outrageously, hysterically against the pedophiles — or you are one.

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