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Posts Tagged ‘Republican’

It has been thoroughly established on this blog that d-bags are that race of people who will populate the eighth circle of Hell. They are the hypocrites, the seducers and panderers, the  preachers of virtue who are themselves cesspools of depravity. They are the smug, self-righteous, selfish, and proud who feel that they are beyond the law but not beyond slandering others as lawbreakers. They seek advantage through unfair means and cry foul play when they lose to a superior opponent. They are the boastful, the braggarts, the blowhards and cowards, who prefer to use words rather than fists, but who are always spoiling for a fight.

When they do engage a fight, it’s either a suicide mission or a fight with someone weaker who they think will lose their nerve before the battle begins. In the last week there have been no less than three examples of what American d-baggery — promoted by Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter — has done to our national moral fabric.

Bruce E. Ivins worked for the past 18 years at the government’s biodefense labs at Fort Detrick, Md. Today he committed suicide rather than go to court for the charge of sending anthrax in envelopes to terrorist targets that killed five people. Mr. Ivins was the recipient of the 2003 Decoration for Exceptional Civilian Service. Though some think he may have sent out the pathogen to test a vaccine he was working on, Satan knows the truth: He wanted to justify the Bush administration’s war on terror by making it seem as though American was under attack.

Anthony Hopkins (no relation to the actor) is a preacher in Mobile, Alabama who has been arrested for murdering his wife, cutting up her corpse and stuffing it in a freezer. The police were tipped off to the crime by his 19 year-old daughter, who he is accused of sodomizing. Hopkins was arrested at a Christian revival preaching the word of Jesus to the congregation of believers.

Jim David Adkisson is the ripe, evil fruit of the d-baggery that has become so popular in the last 40 years. Mr. Askisson took a sawed-off shotgun in a church on July 27th, 2008 and shot seven people in cold blood. He wrote a note that he left in his car explaining his actions. (The note has yet to be released to the public.) Knoxville Police Department Investigator Steve Still wrote in a warrant to search Adkisson’s house that Adkisson went on a rampage at the church, “because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country’s hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of major media outlets.”

As Knoxnews.com reports, “Still seized three books from Adkisson’s home, including ‘The O’Reilly Factor,’ by television commentator Bill O’Reilly; ‘Liberalism is a Mental Disorder,’ by radio personality Michael Savage; and ‘Let Freedom Ring,’ by political pundit Sean Hannity.”

Who is the biggest d-bag in the world today? We report, you decide.

 

Bang, bang you're dead!

Bang, bang you're dead!

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  • Are you violently angry when you see someone driving a Prius? If you are, you might be a d-bag.
  • When you hear people speaking in ching-chong or Mexican and they aren’t working in a kitchen, do you do your impeccable imitation of Lou Dobbs? If you do, you might be a d-bag.
  •  Does it bother you when people get a good feeling because they bought something that they thought was quality, instead of just cheap? Then you might be a d-bag.
  • Do you like every moment of your waking day to be hammered by ear-splitting noise, for example from a hemi V-8 engine, a blasting PA in your local sports bar, or a fart ripping out of your ass? Then you might be a d-bag.
  • Do you see nature as one giant toilette for you to shit in? Then you might be a d-bag.
  • Are other people means to your ends? If they are, you’re a d-bag.
  • Have you ever accused a teacher, a writer, or artist of being stupid because they said something you didn’t understand? If you have, you’re a d-bag.
  • Is the only reading you do in bullet points or on the ticker at the bottom of a TV screen? If it is, you might be a d-bag.
  • Do you have loud, private conversations in public, either when using a hands-free mobile device or even with just yourself? If you do, you’re either a d-bag or schizophrenic. (Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.)
  • Do you have a gnawing feeling that the world was once your oyster, but now the white people are getting the upper hand? If you do, you might be a d-bag.

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Nothing gets on God’s nerves like hypocrites, falsifiers, syndicators and and slanderers. And he gets really mad when you tell his worshipers their pious moralizing is in bad taste.

Back in the 60s Malcolm X said we had to call Negroes “African-Americans”. In the 70s we had to learn what “environmentalism” meant. In the 80s — the greatest decade in the history of the United States — Liberal wingnuts told us it wasn’t “politically correct” to call Barnard College a girls’ school, throw our styrofoam Big Mac cartons out the window of our cars, or create a shadow government. In the 90s we made a comeback thanks to our d-bag heroes in the House and on the radio, giants of d-baggery like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. By the time our dark lord of d-baggery was elected to the highest office in the land it had become PC to be anti-PC!

The physics of it are as simple as the plot of a Tom Clancy novel or an episode of 24. If someone thinks you are an ass for being an ass, they are an ass; if you are an ass you are an honest, freethinking, moral, courageous, hero — but only so long as you accuse someone of being an ass because they accused you of being an ass because you were, in fact, being an ass. It’s a no-brainer.

When someone tells you you should be ashamed of yourself for being such a selfish, mean, sneaky, lying, smug, irritating blowhard, they’re being PC. When you tell someone they should watch what they say about America or else they might end up in Gitmo, you’re being a patriot. Be a free thinker. When someone points out your hypocrisy, accuse them of being PC!

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Some d-bags have suggested that regular white folks like to compare people they don’t like to Hitler. That may be true, but white folks have absolutely nothing on d-bags when it comes to throwing around terms like Hitler, fascist and anti-Semite.

The argument goes something like this: If you’re nice to other people you’re a liar and hypocrite. Deep down people are not nice — not at all! At least I (the d-bag) am honest about being a pompous, overbearing, selfish ass, and this means I am a freedom loving Republican. If you help people you actually take away their freedom by obliging them to yourself. Because we are all d-bags deep down we all resent being helped and put under an obligation.

Now, we d-bags love power. We love conspicuous displays of waste because it shows off our power. We love torturing children to show off our power. We love putting limits on what citizens can do and say to show off our power. We especially love signing statements.

The most straightforward definition of fascism is “authoritarian nationalist political ideologies or mass movements that are concerned with notions of cultural decline or decadence and seek to achieve a millenarian national rebirth by exalting the nation or race, and promoting cults of unity, strength and purity.” And the most straightforward exposition of such an ideology can be found in the mouths of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Michele Malkin. But because these d-bag philosophers are Americans who love their country and hate people who don’t love it as much as they do, they aren’t fascists. No, it’s the liberals who want to help the poor, build public transportation, and protect the rights of all men and women who are the real authoritarian heirs to Hitler.

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Ignore the man behind the curtain!

Developing verbal skills is too much work for a d-bag. If it’s not a no-brainer, I don’t want any part of it! What’s more, critical reasoning and/or skepticism is for pussies. If you can’t chant it, forget it! Most of the time a d-bag can solve his problems the old-fashioned way — with his fists! But on occasion some weak-ass, know-it-all egg-head will use superior logic and a stronger grasp of reality (not to mention citable sources and good grammar) to disarm a d-bag — usually in front of people who might not have the d-bag’s back should a fight break out. (For example, when the d-bag is in a room full of TV cameras. Taking advantage of a d-bag in this way is a sure sign your enemy is a pussy.) For just such an emergency, the Ivy educated d-bags invented “talking points”.

Talking points are easy to remember. They often come in “bullet” form. This is why so many d-bags use Powerpoint to write instead of English. And more importantly, you can get them freshly updated every day from Fox News. No more worries! When someone starts asking embarrassing questions you can’t answer, shout them down with your talking points! Problem solved. It’s a no-brainer!

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Take a principled stand. You can always change your mind later.

What makes a d-bag special, different from other kinds of mortals, is their deep insight into Truth. It is because they say it’s so, and not because it corresponds to to any coherent set of facts. Sometimes this attitude is described as post-skeptical, or post-ironic. Sometimes it’s just post-rational.

David Brooks of the New York Times editorial page has changed his mind recently. He said in an op-ed piece today that the future of conservatism lies not in the country club, but in Sam’s club; or in non-d-bag terms, after winning the battle of ideas, lowering taxes and drastically widening the gulf of wealth between the conservative masters and their conservative lackeys, the lackeys are in revolt. The solution is to “rebrand” Republicans specifically and conservatism generally as friendly to the lackey. What one man calls updating the cause, another man might call finding a new way to pander to useful idiots.

Martin Crutsinger, a columnist for the Associate Press (a.k.a. the d-bag daily) has published a news item today with the triumphant headline “Economic stimulus payments send after-tax incomes soaring by largest amount in 33 years.” Because the AP isn’t ready to acquire the same reputation as Fox News, Curtsinger is compelled to add in the body of the piece the belief of economists that “the boost from the stimulus checks will be only temporary and once the checks are spent, the risks of the economy falling into a deep recession will increase.” But who reads an entire article these days? The headline is what shows up in news feeds on Yahoo and AOL, and that’s all a d-bag needs to know.

Here’s Chunque’s prediction. The economy will continue to “improve” (as will the “situation” in Iraq) until January, 2009. If Obama becomes president both the economy and Iraq will spontaneously and completely fall to pieces; however, if McCain takes over the reigns of government conditions will continue to improve until every Sam’s Club shopper can afford a McMansion on a ten acre plot with two hummers in the driveway.

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Justice Scalia is most well known for his “strict constructionist” approach to judicial interpretation of the constitution, and his well-connected hunting buddies. Both make him a paragon of d-baggery, but the decision handed down today in District of Columbia v. Heller proves Scalia is one of our leading d-bags.

Though law is generally a subject that bores the majority of d-bags, your loving Chunque will attempt to navigate the complexities of the decision to point out where and how Scalia defended d-baggery in our name. In reference to the text of the second amendment of the constitution that “a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed,” Scalia wrote, “all instruments that constitute bearable arms, even those that were not in existence at the time of the founding.”

Scalia’s self-professed strict constructionist method is meant at root to cripple judicial activism that offended d-bags in the 50s with decisions like Brown v. Board of Education that overruled the idea that racial segregation in the US is law. If the founders didn’t write it in the constitution it takes an act of Congress or a constitutional amendment to update the document for our times. The Constitution of the United States of America is not a living document. So for Scalia to write that the word “arms” in the second amendment might include howitzers or laser beams (or semi-automatic handguns) are not protected by the constitution — until he changes his mind, at which time it is not only good policy, but sound jurisprudence, for the Justice to ventriloquize the founders.

For making up rules to which others must adhere while reserving the right to break them yourself, we salute Antonin Scalia as our d-bag of the day!

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