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Posts Tagged ‘Rush Limbaugh’

It has been thoroughly established on this blog that d-bags are that race of people who will populate the eighth circle of Hell. They are the hypocrites, the seducers and panderers, the  preachers of virtue who are themselves cesspools of depravity. They are the smug, self-righteous, selfish, and proud who feel that they are beyond the law but not beyond slandering others as lawbreakers. They seek advantage through unfair means and cry foul play when they lose to a superior opponent. They are the boastful, the braggarts, the blowhards and cowards, who prefer to use words rather than fists, but who are always spoiling for a fight.

When they do engage a fight, it’s either a suicide mission or a fight with someone weaker who they think will lose their nerve before the battle begins. In the last week there have been no less than three examples of what American d-baggery — promoted by Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter — has done to our national moral fabric.

Bruce E. Ivins worked for the past 18 years at the government’s biodefense labs at Fort Detrick, Md. Today he committed suicide rather than go to court for the charge of sending anthrax in envelopes to terrorist targets that killed five people. Mr. Ivins was the recipient of the 2003 Decoration for Exceptional Civilian Service. Though some think he may have sent out the pathogen to test a vaccine he was working on, Satan knows the truth: He wanted to justify the Bush administration’s war on terror by making it seem as though American was under attack.

Anthony Hopkins (no relation to the actor) is a preacher in Mobile, Alabama who has been arrested for murdering his wife, cutting up her corpse and stuffing it in a freezer. The police were tipped off to the crime by his 19 year-old daughter, who he is accused of sodomizing. Hopkins was arrested at a Christian revival preaching the word of Jesus to the congregation of believers.

Jim David Adkisson is the ripe, evil fruit of the d-baggery that has become so popular in the last 40 years. Mr. Askisson took a sawed-off shotgun in a church on July 27th, 2008 and shot seven people in cold blood. He wrote a note that he left in his car explaining his actions. (The note has yet to be released to the public.) Knoxville Police Department Investigator Steve Still wrote in a warrant to search Adkisson’s house that Adkisson went on a rampage at the church, “because of its liberal teachings and his belief that all liberals should be killed because they were ruining the country, and that he felt that the Democrats had tied his country’s hands in the war on terror and they had ruined every institution in America with the aid of major media outlets.”

As Knoxnews.com reports, “Still seized three books from Adkisson’s home, including ‘The O’Reilly Factor,’ by television commentator Bill O’Reilly; ‘Liberalism is a Mental Disorder,’ by radio personality Michael Savage; and ‘Let Freedom Ring,’ by political pundit Sean Hannity.”

Who is the biggest d-bag in the world today? We report, you decide.

 

Bang, bang you're dead!

Bang, bang you're dead!

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Some d-bags have suggested that regular white folks like to compare people they don’t like to Hitler. That may be true, but white folks have absolutely nothing on d-bags when it comes to throwing around terms like Hitler, fascist and anti-Semite.

The argument goes something like this: If you’re nice to other people you’re a liar and hypocrite. Deep down people are not nice — not at all! At least I (the d-bag) am honest about being a pompous, overbearing, selfish ass, and this means I am a freedom loving Republican. If you help people you actually take away their freedom by obliging them to yourself. Because we are all d-bags deep down we all resent being helped and put under an obligation.

Now, we d-bags love power. We love conspicuous displays of waste because it shows off our power. We love torturing children to show off our power. We love putting limits on what citizens can do and say to show off our power. We especially love signing statements.

The most straightforward definition of fascism is “authoritarian nationalist political ideologies or mass movements that are concerned with notions of cultural decline or decadence and seek to achieve a millenarian national rebirth by exalting the nation or race, and promoting cults of unity, strength and purity.” And the most straightforward exposition of such an ideology can be found in the mouths of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, and Michele Malkin. But because these d-bag philosophers are Americans who love their country and hate people who don’t love it as much as they do, they aren’t fascists. No, it’s the liberals who want to help the poor, build public transportation, and protect the rights of all men and women who are the real authoritarian heirs to Hitler.

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A lot of times d-bags like to tell you they are hard-nosed realists and unsentimental skeptics who coolly assess the facts and don’t let their emotions cloud their judgement. If you believe this, d-bags will surely laugh at you, and let’s face it, you deserve it. The soul of d-baggery is making someone else play by rules that the d-bag doesn’t have to follow. For the sake of enlightening and instructing non-d-bags in the ways of d-baggery, Chunque will explain heroes to the world. The difference between a d-bag hero and a traditional hero is all in the dress code. That is, a normal person doesn’t require his sentimental crap to come dressed in a uniform.

For a d-bag a hero is anyone who has the power to wreck someone else’s life but decides not to out of sheer benevolence. Alcoholic fathers, mustachioed cops on the take, anyone who saves a kitty from a tree, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are all heroes by this definition. Let’s make this a no-brainer: if you are man enough to use sophisticated legal arguments to defraud the powerless and waste precious resources — just because you can — but are sensitive enough to get choked up over a Mel Gibson movie like The Patriot, you are probably a d-bag hero.

The dark lord of d-baggery says that conservation is a “personal virtue“. Let’s unpack that for the non-d-bags who might read this blog. By “personal” he means domestic, feminine, and weak. An “impersonal” virtue, on the other hand, is the kind that heroes have: masculine, skeptical, rational, wasteful, outwardly directed, careless of others’ needs or safety, committed to a larger cause — the big picture — which the d-bag has impersonally decided was in everyone else’s best interests.

Sadly, it is difficult for every aspiring d-bag to be a hero by practicing impersonal virtues. (This is particularly true for d-bag intellectuals like Christopher Hitchens, Penn Jillette, and Trey Parker.) That is why there are more opportunities to be a d-bag hero at your local Hummer dealership than there are on the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan.

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Don’t forget to check out more of your favorite douchebag’s antics at American Douchebag!

Like the dark lord of d-baggery, Rush Limbaugh has made a career of teaching Americans how to be complete and utter d-bags. To non-d-bags, Limbaugh is offensive in every possible way: he is a pompous college drop-out whose failure and inability to fit into any respectable profession left him fit only for talk radio, but his success in appealing the the basest hatreds and fears of his audience has enriched him while impoverishing the national spirit. He is liar and a scumbag in addition to being a d-bag, whose absolute misrepresentation of the truth is a badge of honor for him and his listeners.

Limbaugh’s crusade against intelligence and rational thought is legendary to American d-bags, who have given up every pretense of their God given gift of free thought by calling themselves “ditto-heads”. His pioneering anti-intellectualism is the cornerstone of contemporary d-bag philosophy. If you can’t learn it before you drop out of college it must be destroyed by the storm troopers of mediocrity!

Limbaugh’s mocking of the weak and vulnerable, those who have made bad life choices and those who ended up on the wrong side of the law is made more poignant in the hearts of American d-bags because Limbaugh is himself overweight, slovenly in body and mind, a drug addict, and displays an unmistakable, criminal mentality. He is proof that power comes not from virtue but from crass, material force.

Limbaugh has taught us that he, like we, deserve it, not out of merit, but just because we say so. If the proof is in the pudding, he shakes his bowl full of jelly and defies The Good to prove it differently. 

For redefining what it means to be a snivelling, craven, hypocrite d-bag we salute Rush Limbaugh, the face of American d-baggery!

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D-bags are obsessed with status and money. And how do you get status and money?

A report from England’s Royal Economic Society in 2000 concluded that “each year extra in education yielded a 8% increase in pay.” They also concluded that “The findings also suggested that external experiences such as education could prove a stronger influence than any genetic ‘blueprint.'” What should we take from this report? First, that hard work and application are more important to success than flair, good hair and a hefty set of stones. Second, that the more time you spend in school, the more prepared you will be to grasp your opportunity when it comes knocking at your door. To elaborate the second point a bit, it should be pointed out that school not only gives you a set of skills (bow hunting, computers, whatever) it also socializes you. That is, it teaches you how to be a team player, how to learn from your and others’ mistakes, and what it is an educated person should know.

If the guaranteed road to success is through school — higher education, post-graduate education, professional education — why is it that d-bags are so in love with the rich college dropout?

Guys like Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer, and Larry Ellison are heroes to many d-bags. So are Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Barry Goldwater. They are all college dropouts. Dick Cheney did them all one better and dropped out of Yale combining a d-bag’s reverence for the Ivy League with a d-bag’s contempt for it. (Cheney finished his BA and MA at the University of Wyoming). Though Gates is left-leaning (as are some other notable college dropouts like Woody Allen and Tom Hanks), on the whole the most inspirational story for a d-bag is the tale of a conservative who was too talented and ambitious to stick around the liberals and pussies in college who would put limits on his d-baggery with rules and feel-good rounds of kumbaya. Free from false modesty and restraint, the heroic d-bag set off on his own to make a fortune.

Though though you don’t have to be smart to be rich, most d-bags are sure that if you are smart you can’t be rich. Why is this? D-bags associate intelligence and it’s attributes — sensitivity to others’ feelings, a taste for complexity or difficulty, the ability to negotiate ambiguity and irony — with effeminacy and weakness. Strength, which is easy to understand, is physical, tangible, and can impose its will through brute force. So when a d-bag imposes his will to be rich on the world by defying the reality that it is more likely for a d-bag to become a billionaire by playing the lottery than by dropping out of college and starting a business, he has justified his own existence.

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