Lots of people like to hear the sound of their own voice — policemen, professors, politicians, your mom, the punditocracy, that guy from accounts, your wife, the boss — but how many of them are really d-bags? Your boss, def; ditto the cop who asks infuriating rhetorical questions (“Do you know how fast you were going?”). Being a self-absorbed ass is a necessary condition for being a d-bag. But it is not a sufficient condition. If it were, there would be no non-b-bags to be annoyed at the rest of us! To be a d-bag you must in some small way transcend mere human selfishness in order to get an edge on the losers (liberals, Enya fans, hipsters, soccer moms, etc.) who are forced by Nature to listen to a d-bag’s hatred, fear, and ridicule — in a word, their opinions.
Giving an opinion (a.k.a. opinionating, bloviating, blogging) is a necessary feature of a d-bag’s personality. And the appropriate vehicle for opinions is the rant. What exactly is a rant? According to Merriam Webster it is, “a bombastic extravagant speech”; the Cambridge dictionary describes it as, “a long, angry and confused speech”; and Microsoft’s Encarta describes it as, “loud and threatening speech: a very loud, aggressive, or bombastic speech that is usually long and repetitive” (like those definitions!). Be that as it may, all d-bags and non-d-bags need to know is that a rant occurs from the time the d-bag opens his mouth until everyone within the sound of his voice has capitulated to his higher wisdom.
There is a danger that when two d-bags meet in a state of nature they will try to talk over one another, raising their voices and bloviating until an actual fight breaks out. This may be avoided if one d-bag concedes the laurel of top d-bag to his opponent, or if they discover they are fraternity brothers.
It is likely, however, that the rant undertaken by one d-bag will be enthusiastically supported and extended by the other d-bag, in which case, rather than bickering the two d-bags will form a junta and will start recruiting other d-bags to gain “synergy” — a term the d-bag learns as a business major.
A select few d-bags have been able to turn every d-bag’s hobby into a profession. These happy few are not only raging wind bags whose pernicious opinions and downright mendacity threaten rational, free thought everywhere; they are also highly paid and well respected culture heroes for d-bags all over the world, particularly whites in the fly-over between the ages of fifty and ninety-five. Of course I am speaking of the charmed junta of Bill O’Reilley, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, the godfathers of d-baggery. These noble douches have raised the level of political discourse to a rarified rant — a very loud, aggressive, or bombastic speech that is usually long and repetitive, and punctuated with a couple of suggestive puffs on a looooong, fat, black cigar. (Watch out Obama!)